aye papi..

I don't know if there's much worse than finding photos of your ex strewn about your phone.. in this case, I was more angry about it all. I was mad that my phone was being slow as shit, and I blamed it on the 97 photos of him in my phone that I'd been too lazy and angry to confront and delete. So rather than going to sleep, I ONE BY ONE deleted each photo, snickering a bit at my thought process with each "tap" of the delete button. It felt good to free up some of that space for some much more worthy MUSIC. He never liked music. Who doesn't like music? Seriously, you only get a pass on that if you're deaf. Whatever. Lame.

I'm up still. Went to Night Train tonight at KFN with Ash and her.. whatever that dude is to her. Met Dave there, and as soon as he walked in, Ash peaced out, and it was me and Dave at the booth.. from that point on our booth was like a god damn revolving door of hot guys that my roommates should have stayed to hit on, but I digress. Dave and I got to catch up on a lot, which is cool because I never get to talk to him one on one anymore without worrying that one of us will offend someone with our very bold opinions.. he doesn't care, I kinda do. That's just Dave though.

Isl had walked in behind Ash, dude, and I, and literally almost ran me over to get in.. he looked like someone had just killed his puppy, and he was angry and sad. That's what happens when you have to do "the meetup" with your ex to get all of your shit back. It's never pleasant. At least his isn't throwing rocks at his window.. yet. Anyway, after he set up his stuff and simmered down a bit, he came and hung out with Dave and I.. and somehow like 35 other people flocked to the booth and we had people sitting on the table, behind the table, someone's hot girlfriend in my lap.. I think if I swung both ways this would have been like a dream come true.. but I digress, again. He seemed more at ease once he was surrounded by all of his friends and shit.. Actually, come to think of it.. who the hell was djing the whole time if all of them were sitting with us for like 15 minutes? Mysterious. Oh, and to go completely off the subject once more, I finally confirmed that it was indeed Cat Power that Greg Foreman was a part of. No shit. I shazamed one of their songs once. Hooray for shazam.. and boo to Gregg for not being in Cat Power anymore. I think that's a boo. I don't know. I'm probably wrong. Whatever he wants it to be, yay or boo. Pick one Greg. You don't even read this. Nevermind. I need sleep.

Anyway, it was a quiet night. I didn't get black out drunk this time which is really a step up from last Thursday night. Had a few beers and then Mr. Jaffe walked me the whole 2.5 blocks back home just before the night ended.. and I still can't sleep. Been coughing my brains out again.. I've had this cough since early July. I know there's something seriously wrong with me.. it just keeps coming back with a vengeance. I just hope I don't get anyone else in the house sick. I guess they would've been by now though then, right?

Work later today, blah. Money has sucked so hard there lately. I'm really sick of making shitty money. I hope I get this job bartending at the penthouse club. Not my most ideal place to make drinks, but whatever. It is what it is.Saturday, dress shopping with the ladies.. because I just woke up one day and hated my entire wardrobe, so I have no dress to wear. Well, I like some of the ones I have, but I've been wearing the hell out of them lately. I just want to live in dresses forever. I hate pants so much. I put them on today for like 3 minutes and said, hell no, this isn't happening and changed immediately. Anyway, I need something tight and sassy for h&k. After all, it's kind of a fashion show of sorts, and I'm actually on display this time.. sorta.. kinda.. yeah. Anyway, Isl better come through on saving those crazy laser rings for me and the ladies. I think it's only fair that I be allowed to shoot lasers out of my fingers while dancing. I can't imagine you'd disagree. Who are you anyway? And why do I suddenly smell stale cheese curls? Holy shit, I need to go to bed.

Nostalgia 101

The internet has made it so much easier to torture yourself.. but I'll get back to that point later.

So, I just moved.. and I've gotten sick of stacked tupperware containers full of stuff. Today I decided to go through some of it.. to see what I wanted to decorate with, and what could go back into storage.

My last move.. was abrupt. I had a little less than 4 hours to move every object out of my apartment and into a truck and a van.. with no prior packing. This meant my mom, dad, cousin, and I ran in and just started throwing things into boxes.. the only things that got wrapped somewhat carefully were my dishes and glassware. Everything else was just scattered into whatever containers we had.

So, to get to the point.. I found a lot of old photos.. and an old box with the most amazing incense sort of scent.. with a necklace in it.. with a note. It's amazing the things that come rushing back with just a smell. They say smell is the strongest of the senses when it comes to triggering memory. I believe it. I could smell my life back in 2005.. but this time, I wasn't smelling the hatred, the heartache, the week without eating, the betrayal.. I was smelling how happy I was at one point. It's hard to remember those times.. and while I'm no where in love with Ryan anymore, it was nice to remember how alive I felt, not because I was so incredibly sad, but when I was so incredibly in love. I've only felt that twice.. the so happy, and so in love part.. otherwise, the heartache usually trumps it all. Most people feel most alive when they're hurting inside.. and I agree. I always have.. but there are 2 times I've been so happy in love that I felt unstoppable.. until it all went wrong.. and both, ruined in some way or another by the internet.

I went through the notes, looked at the pictures.. some of the little knick knacks I had at my old place.. things that made me smile and clutch it to my chest for just a moment with a bit of a nostalgic, hopeless romantic sigh.. and then I put most of it back in it's storage spot so I could rediscover it again a bit down the line and sigh all over again.

Fast forward through my night. I'd tried not to get my hopes up about plans that were loosely discussed yesterday. I just knew that I'd get blown off.. some things never change.. but alas, I sat here, disappointed. My roommates weren't up for going out tonight (since they go out most other nights.. except.. I was off tonight for a change, and nothing panned out).. and I kind of came up with nothing to do. There's no one I really much wanted to see with the exception of one, and I knew from the moment the loose and never solidified plans were put on the table that they would never come to fruition.

Back to the part about the internet allowing immediate torture. Women.. we all do it, all the time. When we're hurting, or missing, or wanting.. we torture ourselves even more with memories. We seek out reasons to make ourselves even more pathetic and sad.. and thus, I went through some more old pictures.. not many, mind you. I don't have my external drive at the new place, and I had to get them off my computer in fear of my last ex setting my computer on fire if he discovered I'd kept them.. but the few I could find, on the internet.. there was this warm and sort of tingly feeling that went from my inner thighs, and straight up through my chest and to my head. It could have been sexual, who knows.. but I think it was more of a deep absorption of the images.. a deep meditation into these old memories.. remembering every single detail of those moments.. and some of the things that were said or done.. it's amazing how a photo can bring back as much as an entire chapter of your life, or as minute as the way their lips felt against yours when you went in for a small peck on the lips, and they drunkenly grabbed your entire face and made out with you across a table. These are the memories that men never remember.. these are the memories that only us women hold on to.. the gestures, the glances.. the words, the moments when you could actually see the love in their eyes, the moments when they didn't say I love you, but the twinkle in their eye, and the slightly trembling of their lips made it clear. Being a woman allows for those extra memories. It's a blessing, and it's a curse.. depending on where you stand with the person when you recall upon the memory.

I never thought someone could disappoint me so many times, and for so long. Love creates denial. It creates the idea that people will change, "It was just this once, this second time, this 93rd time.." love causes us to create an excuse for them each and every time they break our hearts. Whether it be with cruel words, a cold shoulder, or a knock down the priority ladder.. somehow, when we're in love, we always create excuses for why they don't seem to care.

My question.. for myself.. is how many years does it take to learn a lesson? How many failed attempts will it take to get angry.. for good? I don't know if I'll ever have the strength to let go, and that scares the hell out of me. The worst part is that the idea that "one sided love is obsession" was pounded into my head by this very same person.. and now I just feel psychotic. I know that's not right.. it's possible to be in love with someone and they don't return it.. but I don't think it's obsession.. or is it? I can't quite decide now that I type it out. Is he right? Am I obsessed? I hate to think of it that way, because it's made me fear falling in love.. I just don't understand.. there are a few very handsome and sweet guys that I completely blow off without a second thought, because all I want is the one who doesn't want me. I feel like that's all people ever want.. the unobtainable.

I suppose I should stop going on and on about this.. It's so childish at this point.. to be stuck in this loop..

As a side note.. I still wonder who reads this.. and if they even read the entire thing. Well, whatever. I can feel myself getting overtired.. so I guess it's time to call this quits.

Tomorrow is a new day.. but this isn't over. It's never over.

Guarded in my head for you, I can't get rid of these secrets.

I had a dream the other night that there was a flood.. and it had both of my parents in it.. and at one point, I got swept apart from them, but somehow made it back over. I'm pretty sure somehow (in my head) it was related to the sinkhole that occurred in my dream. I'm finding it a little tougher to find the meaning of sinkholes, but I can kinda guess. I read the meaning about the flood part of the dream and it freaked me out how much sense it made.

Psychological Meaning: Water symbolises the emotional side of the unconscious. To dream of a flood or being swept away by water, indicates that you feel emotionally overwhelmed. These dreams also hint at baptism and rebirth. The fertile, nourishing effect of floodwater may be implied. This dream could therefore represent the start of a new phase of life and renewed personal growth.

Tell me about it. Strange how our brain puts this stuff into symbols.

In addition, I've been dreaming vividly about another issue in my life.. I guess I can't really mention a lot about it since it seems to piss people off, but it seems my subconscious is just as confused as my consciousness. Every night it seems I have a dream showing me the real facts of what's going on, and I wake up feeling terribly sad and unappreciated, and I think, damn Steph, you're trying to tell yourself something here, but you just keep battling it. I don't know.. even while I'm awake right now I'm trying to come up with ways to discredit my subconscious. Blah. I have an awesome GPA and I go to school to look at small shit under a microscope, yet somehow I am the most stubborn person ever when it comes to trying to learn life lessons. Ugh.. okay, I need to get ready for work now. 12 hour shift ahead of me.. AGGGH.

Senor Cuervo, ouch.

Tonight was rough.

It started out with me taking a shower at my new place and having the shower curtain rod collapse on me. Guess the tiles don't like the tension rod.. so, that was the beginning.

I get to work, and all is well for a while.. most of the night actually.. did a bunch of shots, turned a bunch down.. and then one of my fellow bartenders got way too drunk, and everyone on my bar caught hell for it, even though the rest of us were FINE. So we all got our asses chewed out for someone else's incapacity to know their own limit. Awesome.

So I get back to my apartment to pick up my stuff before going back to Jersey (my bed isn't at the apt. yet) and I happen upon this plastic container with a bunch of stuff in it.. stuff I [thought I cleverly] hid from myself 2 years ago. Valentine's Day Card did me in. It was the most romantic thing I've read in so long.. in so few words, and I just lost it. I just bawled my eyes out without warning.. there were no sniffles, it was just an immediate Niagara Falls of tears. I don't know why we save this stuff.. is it to one day hope to look back and laugh.. or is it to look back and torture ourselves? I never knew he had the capacity to be that romantic.. especially in such few words. This was an hour ago, and my heart is still racing a little. Good thing my dog was here to wag his tail and be happy to see me when I got home, because I've been kind of a pathetic womanly mess since then. I wish I could stop feeling so bad for myself and just get the fuck over this, but for some reason, I just can't kick it. What.. the fuck. I have broken so many hearts without so much as a sideways glance backwards, yet, somehow.. I cannot kick this. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I've been informed that people apparently stalk my blog. Awesome. I didn't think anyone really knew about this. I never advertised it or anything.. I guess when people wanna find you, they really do their damnedest to find you.. either way, whatever. Hi, what's up. Enjoy the read.

So, I move in 2 days. I'm not ready.. not at all. My mind is so scattered.. I'm just not into this.. it's all working out so perfectly and smoothly for me.. but I'm just not finding myself excited about it. Actually, I'm finding that I'm more sad than anything.

This whole bipolar thing is doing me in like whoa this week.. I'm really excited about my health insurance.. now I can finally get medicine to specifically treat me, rather than just "making do" like I have been for the past 5 years. My life is changing so quickly.. and I feel like it's doing it without me, like I need to play catch up a little. Damn, I am really stressed the hell out.

Another random thought.. I need to stop breaking up with people before my birthday. It seems I always spend an asston of money for my boyfriend/whoever's birthday, and then something happens and I break up with them before my own. Someone needs to take me the hell out for my birthday.. maybe I'll just make Chip do it. Sigh. School needs to start so I can stop thinking about how lonely I am.. because I'm pathetic. Maybe I'll met a nice scientist.. or I'll fall madly in love with some hot doctor.. or.. I don't know. The greater good obviously has some sort of fucked up plan for me, so I might as well just roll with it.

I hope I don't get in more trouble for this blog.. apparently people get all bent out of shape when I write shit anymore.. thing is, I don't even know who is upset.. I just know someone hates me. Actually, I bet a lot of people hate me. That sucks. I don't like to be hated. I try to be peaceful with everyone.. but I guess you can't win them all.. especially the bitches who deserve to rot in hell. I think maybe this is the vodka talking now.. I had a bit of that tonight. More tequila than vodka, but vodka still existed somewhere in and amongst those 14 shots.

Holy shit, 14 shots.. I weight 112 pounds, why am I not obliterated?

I should go to bed now. Yeah.. here's hoping I don't get bitched at again.

Cheers, bitches.

thrills and chills.

it's funny to be accused of something, and no matter how much you fight it, you just can't convince the person that you're innocent. I guess it's not really funny, but at some point you just gotta chuckle out of sheer frustration.

That brings up another thought.. why is it, that human beings are so fond of pursuing something unobtainable, yet once obtained, it's become dull? Back to my rant about the thrill of the chase.. It frustrates the shit out of me when people do it to me, yet, I do it to people all the time. I wish I knew how to stop that, because I'm going to end up really lonely.

Maybe I should take up hunting or something.. maybe I need the hunt, but if I could redirect it.. agh, I can't kill things. Shit.

I have no more tears left for certain scenarios.. at this point, it's fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.. yet, I'm at fool me like, 40 times. Sometimes I even fool myself, so I don't ever know if I'm winning or losing. This isn't about ONE specific person, no, it's the same mistakes made over and over again with several different people. I just can't seem to kick some of these terrible habits. I don't even WANT anyone right now, but all I can think of is the thrill of the hunt. How sick is that? This is SHEER boredom. Like I don't have enough to occupy my time right now, why would I wanna throw this into the mix? Why would I be dialing half the number of my most recent ex to text him that I was thinking about him, or the reoccuring ex who always wants me and then all the sudden starts dating some "elle" girl only to go and eventually get bored with her.. Sure, I care about these people, but why don't I care enough to leave them alone to find happiness? And better yet, why do some of them continue to yoyo me around and provoke my nasty hunting game?

This.. this is why I'm done dating right now. I obviously have some serious issues going on, and I need to address them real soon before I end up a very lonely woman the rest of my life.

I just wish I hadn't fucked the last one up so bad.. because I really thought I had something. When will I ever learn from these mistakes?

Maybe I should start by getting on real medication. Yay for health insurance soon. Yay indeed.

change is in the air

this is the first time.. in my life.. I've been completely scared out of my mind by everything in my life.

I've never handled change well.. that would be the first thing my Mom would tell you if asked. So much has changed and continues to change in my life so quickly.. I just wish I could pull back on the reigns and slow it down a little. It's all coming at once.

I'm having one of those nights, where I examine myself really closely while listening to music that keeps me on the verge of tears. Why? Because I haven't cried.. I know I need to, and I want to, but I just can't. Even at Gina's viewing earlier tonight, I teared up a little, but I just couldn't cry.

I.. have always let a man define me. Even throughout the times I've been single, I always had a crush, or was dating someone sort of.. and right now, I am so flustered by moving, and school, and turning 25.. it's the first time in my life that I truly want no one right now. Sure, I will always have feelings for certain people (yes, plural) but I truly have no time for anyone right now, and that frightens and confuses me. Why? Because I've never had time in my life where I wasn't at least crushing on someone. Right now, as lonely as I am, I'm trying to avoid letting a man define who I am, and I'm trying to focus on me.. but I'll tell you what, I am so lonesome.

I'm tired of being the other woman. I want to be THE woman.. but I want to be that woman to a man who holds my interest for more than 2 weeks.. or isn't emotionally reserved. I just can't mentally cope with this anymore. I wanna be done with this game.. I don't want to date anymore. I've had enough. At what point do I get my happily ever after?

dot dot dot

What is it about me.. that I.. Ugh.

I don't even know how to put my thoughts into words.. I feel like most of what I'm thinking is all images.. memories.. smells, sensations.. things that can be described in words, that is, if you're a terrific writer,.. or if I was in a better mood.. or if I wasn't abusing the "..." thing so much. I think I'll continue to abuse it. ...

I'm not feeling very strong lately.. maybe because I'm extra worried about school and money and moving.. and the fact that Diesel loves to run out the door and I don't want him to get lost in the big city.. then there's the city.. and the fear I have of the people lurking in the shadows. What is it about cities that attract so many awful people? Or maybe it's the same as the burbs, except that everyone is forced to live closer to each other.. doesn't spread out the evil as much as a backyard and a nice porch would. God, I wish I had a ton of money.

My head is all over the map. I haven't written since I was happy.. and even then, I deleted that post because I couldn't stand to read it after ending my last relationship. It still doesn't feel right, and I don't know if it ever will. It's hard to love someone so much, but be conscious that something is just missing.. it's so hard not to fall into old ways, and to be strong when all you want to do is snuggle up to them and fall asleep. I haven't really slept well in about three weeks.. maybe because even before I did this it was on my mind.. well, that and all the other shit going on.

How fair would it be of me to ask him to stand by my side as I stumble through the next 2 years? I'm not even sure about myself, let alone a man.. I just.. couldn't give him the attention he needed, and I fault myself for that mainly because of my indecisive nature. I feel as if.. whenever I finally get something, I suddenly lose interest.. or even not suddenly, maybe over time.. but that's not right. I complain about how I'm miserable when a man treats me like shit, but am I really? Or is that what I secretly want? Someone to act as if I'm not that important, to not fall all over me or love me deeply.. to put other things before me.. is that what I want deep down inside? Because those kind of men are the only ones who have ever held on to me for more than 6 months. The ones that acted like they could give 2 shits about me. How do I fix this about myself?

It was the hardest decision regarding another person I have ever had to make.. and every day, at some point or another, my eyes sting, and my cheeks get red, and I cry just a little bit, because as much as I know it was the right thing to do, I not only had to break his heart, I had to break my own.

No men. Not for a long time. I need to focus on me, and school, and money.. I can't be doing this when I'm in school.. and that's why I had to do it now.. because I knew I'd mourn this for weeks.. and I can't be that weak when I have to be in school.. I had to be smart this time.. I just have to keep reassuring myself..

I just wish I could sleep.

March 26, 2010 3:45 p.m.

I opened a word document to begin typing about loss.. but I’m at a loss for words. Irony? Probably not.

I don’t much understand my own thought pattern right now. I’m the one who ended it, and still, I feel like I got my heart broken, except.. I was the one that did the breaking of it. I broke my own heart this time. Of all the journal entries I wrote about love lost, and past relationships, this has got to be the weirdest one yet. In the past, when I’ve ended something, I’ve felt okay about it after, a sense of freedom, new opportunities, etc. but this time, I just feel empty. Which brings me to the question.. why?

I feel like.. I made a huge mistake, but at the same time, I’m trying to remember the reasons why. The little stuff that I can’t argue about, the things that just don’t work with me.. and I know about compromise, but I think it’s possible to love a lot of parts of someone, but not be good with others.. I’m pretty certain he thinks this is some grand scheme for me to go date someone else, but it’s not. I just.. I don’t have the mind power for it. I’m a different kind of person.. I like to devote my all to someone, but I can’t do that now. I can’t. I’m a mess about school, lack of a job, moving, new school.. I’m in such a transition, I just feel like I can’t devote that energy to anyone. I thought I was ready, but I wasn’t.. and somehow, in the process, I broke my own heart.

I can’t speak for him. I don’t know how he feels exactly. He could hate me for all I know.. and I don’t think I’d blame him. I just don’t feel as if I could have been what he needs.. I don’t think he would have ever trusted me, and I don’t blame him. I’m a secretive person, I’m a loner. I don’t like to share a lot of parts of myself with people, even though it may seem that way sometimes. Hell, only like 4 people even know this blog exists, but I guess, I feel like if a stranger in a similar situation stumbled upon it and read, maybe they wouldn’t feel so alone.

I haven’t really gotten out of bed yet. It’s 4 p.m. I just, I.. don’t even know what to say. I keep seeing things covered in 1111’s, and my eyes well up and I go “what the fuck am I doing?” and then I think as hard as I can.. and as stupid as this is, I go back to the lyrics from my favorite song, every sentence in it describes me. “I hope to learn as time goes by, That I should trust what's deep inside, Burning bright, oh burning bright, My sensible heart, my sensible heart.” and I can’t tell which part is deep inside.. is it breaking his heart because he doesn’t deserve to be lead on if I feel like he isn’t the one, or is it feeling like I messed up because he IS the one? Which part of it is the deepest? What the hell is going on in my head?

All I can think about is his perfect smile, and with that, I’ve begun to cry again.

Love, love, love (love, love)

Every so often I find myself falling in love with something.. a character, a real person, a song, some lyrics, a place, an animal, a hobby, an idea, a belief, a goal.. and as much as it's retarded, I blame it on being a Libra. I am in love with love.. and love to feel in love, to be passionate about things.. so when I see someone who is low on love, someone who feels unloved, or as if they're not going to gain love, I feel like my heart hurts for them, and then somehow, I fall in love with their plight. I can't say for sure if I briefly fall in love with them, or if it's just the idea of me alleviating their lovelessness, but I feel like if I were to act on these things, I'd do more damage than good, so I seldom do.

I guess, I feel as if the whole "it's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all" thing is kind of a mantra. Like, to introduce someone to love, whether it be a person, or a thing, or whatever.. and how good it feels.. but sometimes, as in the past (not in the present, relax) I feel as if I got so frustrated with these people not feeling the love, that I temporarily became the source of the love, just until I knew they felt it, and then I was gone.. so, I guess I kinda made it worse for a few people. They loved, were [sorta] loved, and then lost. I like.. pulled the carpet out from beneath them.. but it was all with good intentions.. like, hey, chin up, it happened once, why not again? It all goes back to one line from my favorite song ever "Behind this emotion there's a sensible heart". I always mean well, but sometimes it just comes out all extra backwards and retarded. I hope the people who's hearts I squashed at least could appreciate the "love" for when it was there.

This sounds retarded, but I know I mean well.. ehh... yeah, sounds retarded.

I found myself standing on his porch last night.. for 5 minutes, my hand an inch from knocking.. and I just couldn't do it. I'd driven over there without a plan, not even knowing what I'd say, and I stopped cold, so close to knocking because I didn't know what I'd do when he opened the door.. if.. he'd opened the door.

I just wanted things to be okay.. and as I stood there, I went over it all in my head, the things I did wrong, the things he did wrong, the things I did wrong again, and then the things he did wrong again.. and my own stupid pride kicked in after 5 minutes, thinking, I did nothing wrong this time, and I got mad again, and walked down the steps, and drove away.

So I get a mile down the road, and have to pull over. Something wouldn't let me drive towards home, but it wasn't enough to make me turn around.. so I sat in my car on the side of the road for 40 minutes, just staring.. finally, I decided I was too unprepared, too tired, and it was too late to even attempt to discuss things.. so I went home, took a xanex, and fell unconscious sleep until this morning.

What I don't get, is how everything got so fucked up again.. I didn't actually do anything wrong this time, and somehow THAT turned into something I DID do wrong.. but I feel so justified in why I didn't admit the stuff I turned out to be guilty of.. because it was such a weird ass topic.. why should I have to spill every minute detail of my life or my feelings right now? Can't SOME things be sacred?

All I know right now is that I lost someone I was falling really hard for.. and I feel like for the past 2 days I've been wandering around in a fog about it. Maybe it wasn't meant to be.. maybe it was a terrible idea all along.. maybe this is a message from the great beyond or something.. but it doesn't change the fact that it hurts so badly that I can't even eat. Maybe that's a good thing too.. I needed to lose weight anyway.. but this probably isn't the best approach.

I'm going to take a nap, my chest feels so tight, my cheeks are red, my eyes sting, my nose is stuffy, and I only feel good when I'm asleep.

Half psychotic, sick, hypnotic.

I tried to go to sleep.. and 30 seconds after taking my glasses off and resting my head on the pillow, my mind shot on.

The night's events were wicked.. all family crap. Details are unnecessary.. but I did take a Xanex, and I'm a little loopy. I feel like I need to write though. I can't put together any solid poetry right now, but I need something to flow from my mind, through my fingers, and onto this screen.

The pas 2 days.. I don't know how to think. I have so much on my plate right now, so much on my mind with school, and life, and now having issues with my dog.. I'm kind of a mess.

No one really reads my blog.. and I'm okay with it. I put it out there once or twice, and whoever managed to catch it when I threw it will see.. if they care enough to. Otherwise, I think I do this just for me. No, I'm sure I do this just for me.

So.. when I find someone I care a lot about, and things go sour, I learned that the best thing for me to do is eliminate every aspect of them from my life.. just so, you know, to get over them quicker. I found that when people just cut me off, I healed better, but when they wanted to remain as friends or continue to drag me on a false hope roller coaster for 6 months, I didn't get over them.. well, not until I cut all ties for a year. This is how I operate. It hurts me to do it, but this is how I do.. throbbing, aching loneliness and decreased appetite for a month or so is a hell of a lot better than living with a false hope that someone who you thought loved/liked/wanted you is gonna fix up and be all googly again.

My thing is, I've never been the one to fuck up before.

So I started to go into separation mode. I gave up hope, began to try to mentally check out, to zone out into anything other than him. Nope. He made it unbearably difficult for me to ignore him. I didn't hate him, not at all, I just had resigned to the fact that I fucked up, and I wasn't going to be forgiven.. so I began to cope. He wouldn't accept it.. but for some reason, I don't think he's accepted my apology either.

I gave in, and went to see him.. and, I don't know if who I went to see is the same person I've known for a few months now. The person I encountered was affectionate in ways toward me that I've never quite felt before. That sounds perverted, but it's not meant to be. Anyway, to make a long story even longer, I didn't think he was capable of missing me.. or even really having any emotion towards me. He was kind of cold for a while, and it made me question what I was doing, pretending that things were great, when only one of us was totally into the whole thing.

Regardless.. the issue in my mind is one of my my favorite quotes.. it's from the movie Love Affair..

"The trick in life isn't getting what you want, it's wanting it after you get it."

It's not me that I'm worried about.. Am I going to bore him? I just can't see how I completely believe how he's got this new found belief of how much he actually cares about me. I resigned myself to him not really giving much of a shit for over a month, convinced myself that he's still head over heels for his ex, and so I feel like I have my guard up a little. He doesn't trust me, hasn't really even accepted my apology, but had to see me, and talks about me to his friends..? Talks about ME? And missed ME? I just.. I guess I'm still in shock. The past 7 days has been like a continuous dream sequence.. from ok, to horrible, to better, to so so, to great, to amazing, to bad, to right now. Fuck.. I hate how I think so much.. and I hate how much I miss him already, even after overstaying with him for a good 26 or so hours.

I wonder if anyone reads this shit.. I don't foresee myself telling anyone about it again. I kind of like it as a hush hush thing.. it just makes me feel so much better to have it out there.. guess it's kind of like my own little postsecret.. just a lot more obvious.

I guess I'll try to sleep again.. damn, I thought Xanex was supposed to help you shut your anxiety off and sleep, not cause deep emotional ramblings. Ugh.

Oh hay, shallow here!

Vanity.

I.. am so vain. I realized this while sitting next to my best friend on the couch, who also is very vain, but I love her.

I signed up for these dating sites a while back mostly because I was so sick of the bar scene, and wanting to avoid the bullshit part of dating. I wanted to basically see a profile of someone, and some pictures and tell if I was attracted or not.. okay, not quite in that order.

I've met a total of 4 people. The first one.. just.. no. Just.. no. The second one had some sort of trolling for ass agenda and I wasn't all about that, the third one I fell for really hard, and then he got disinterested, so I met the 4th, and then found out the 3rd actually cared, and then lied to him, and.. well, that brings us to the last few blog entries.

Anyway.. the only reason I met these people is because they passed my personal tests.

1.) Am I physically attracted? Yes. Yes I am.

2.) Teeth good? Yup.

3.) Funny? Seems that way (although 2 out of the 4 were not actually very funny.. it was more just annoying)

4.) Intriguing, mysterious, alluring, sexually charged? Again, 2 out of 4.. but one being the troll for ass everywhere one, so that didn't happen.

ANYWAY, out of these 4, only one went past the first meeting.. but point being, I get an ASSSSSSLOAD of messages daily.. and none of these people measure up to my standards. I am so god damn picky its retarded.

How am I ever going to find someone and fall in love and live happily ever after if I'm tearing people apart for eyes that are set too far apart, or a bad jawline? (I thank my best friend for introducing me to the appreciation of jawlines) Who am I to judge? I mean, I'm not perfect, not by any means.. but I've gone so long just sorta dating for personality, and then finding that I couldn't hold interest in a person because I wasn't physically attracted. So where are all of the good looking people with personalities and brains? Oh wait, a lot of them are dating ugly dumb people. God dammit. Wow, I sound shallow.

This is me being shallow. Probably because I had all those things I said I wanted in a guy, and then I fucked up. I don't foresee myself getting over this regret for a while. I just keep kicking myself for it because it's so hard to find all of this stuff in one person.. efff em ell.

Okay, done being vain and shallow for tonight.

Relationship Status: wtf.

Oh hey, I can answer that question confidently now... you know, the one about if I'm single or not? The answer is a definite yes now.

Two blogs, one day. I'm handling things poorly. How did I manage to mess up so badly this time? Back to a normal bitching point..

Relationships.. it always seems that the wrong people fall in love with me, and I hate to say it like that because I sound so stuck up and conceited, but it's the absolute truth.

In the fine words of a Mr. Dallas Green,

"So, why does it seem that every time I turn around somebody falls in love with me? This has never been my sole intention, and I have never claimed to have patents on such inventions."

..and the ones I'm all about are just so out of reach. The wrong people are falling in love with me, and every one of them says "But you're my soulmate!" No. If I were your soulmate, you'd be mine, and I know you're not, because I don't love you. End of story.

I'm floating off topic here. I seriously fucked up this time, and now I'm completely alone. I hurt one person, and then put a pin in the dream balloon of another. So what now? Binge drinking, sex with exes, and trips to far away places? Damn, I wish I were lacking a soul that much.. maybe partially, but not completely.. it just seems like the logical next step for someone who's shot themselves in both feet.

What the hell am I even talking about now? I should go home and go to bed.

What I am to you, you do not need.

"Falsehood is easy, truth so difficult." – George Eliot

Lying.

I’m sorry, but we all do it. Every single one of us. White lies at least. Lately though, mine have been pretty black, and I got caught.

So why is it that I lie? Why does anyone lie?

This past time, I did it in some sort of skewed attempt at protecting the other person’s peace of mind or feelings. Of course, when it backfired, I looked like a huge asshole and that whole “protect the feelings” part looked like it never existed. Man, I rationalize things all kinds of weird like.

I think we lie to avoid the awkwardness, but in the process we always make everything worse. You get so deep into a lie that you can’t pick yourself out, and I admit, I don’t have the courage in that situation to swallow my pride and admit defeat. I hate to lose. Hate it so much, I’ll go down burning.

My life lately has been such a blur. I don’t know where I’m at, how I’m going to get things done, and who I wanna drag along with me. In the process though, I seem to be alienating some important people, and I just don’t know how I feel about it. Am I remorseful for my sins over the past 2 years? Not quite.. and that’s the problem. Where is my conscience? When did I stop caring how everyone felt (as a whole) and start cutting people down emotionally? When did I become so disenchanted? Oh wait.. now I recall. But what does that even matter anymore? It doesn’t affect me in relation to the person, but the whole scenario, it lingers. I don’t think I’ve really felt anything since that happened. Just kinda.. floating through life and letting things happen. Where is my remorse? Maybe I’m just in shock. God, I hate when I lose.

So where do I stand now with the person I hurt? There was a deep feeling there from my end, I guess, one I didn’t feel was reciprocated, so maybe that’s why I broke down and moved on. Maybe I’m not cut out for this stuff for a while. I finally found a person that challenged me mentally, put me in my place.. and damn, was I put in my place. I feel like if I had a tail it’d definitely be in between my legs. This is just it though, if anything, I guess I care more now, because someone called me out on my bullshit. No one ever has the courage to do that with me, so I have no idea to handle it when it happens. I get super defensive, as most would. I’m really not used to this whole defeat thing.. where do I go from here? What’s my next move? Or is the next move not even mine?