Guarded in my head for you, I can't get rid of these secrets.

I had a dream the other night that there was a flood.. and it had both of my parents in it.. and at one point, I got swept apart from them, but somehow made it back over. I'm pretty sure somehow (in my head) it was related to the sinkhole that occurred in my dream. I'm finding it a little tougher to find the meaning of sinkholes, but I can kinda guess. I read the meaning about the flood part of the dream and it freaked me out how much sense it made.

Psychological Meaning: Water symbolises the emotional side of the unconscious. To dream of a flood or being swept away by water, indicates that you feel emotionally overwhelmed. These dreams also hint at baptism and rebirth. The fertile, nourishing effect of floodwater may be implied. This dream could therefore represent the start of a new phase of life and renewed personal growth.

Tell me about it. Strange how our brain puts this stuff into symbols.

In addition, I've been dreaming vividly about another issue in my life.. I guess I can't really mention a lot about it since it seems to piss people off, but it seems my subconscious is just as confused as my consciousness. Every night it seems I have a dream showing me the real facts of what's going on, and I wake up feeling terribly sad and unappreciated, and I think, damn Steph, you're trying to tell yourself something here, but you just keep battling it. I don't know.. even while I'm awake right now I'm trying to come up with ways to discredit my subconscious. Blah. I have an awesome GPA and I go to school to look at small shit under a microscope, yet somehow I am the most stubborn person ever when it comes to trying to learn life lessons. Ugh.. okay, I need to get ready for work now. 12 hour shift ahead of me.. AGGGH.

Love, love, love (love, love)

Every so often I find myself falling in love with something.. a character, a real person, a song, some lyrics, a place, an animal, a hobby, an idea, a belief, a goal.. and as much as it's retarded, I blame it on being a Libra. I am in love with love.. and love to feel in love, to be passionate about things.. so when I see someone who is low on love, someone who feels unloved, or as if they're not going to gain love, I feel like my heart hurts for them, and then somehow, I fall in love with their plight. I can't say for sure if I briefly fall in love with them, or if it's just the idea of me alleviating their lovelessness, but I feel like if I were to act on these things, I'd do more damage than good, so I seldom do.

I guess, I feel as if the whole "it's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all" thing is kind of a mantra. Like, to introduce someone to love, whether it be a person, or a thing, or whatever.. and how good it feels.. but sometimes, as in the past (not in the present, relax) I feel as if I got so frustrated with these people not feeling the love, that I temporarily became the source of the love, just until I knew they felt it, and then I was gone.. so, I guess I kinda made it worse for a few people. They loved, were [sorta] loved, and then lost. I like.. pulled the carpet out from beneath them.. but it was all with good intentions.. like, hey, chin up, it happened once, why not again? It all goes back to one line from my favorite song ever "Behind this emotion there's a sensible heart". I always mean well, but sometimes it just comes out all extra backwards and retarded. I hope the people who's hearts I squashed at least could appreciate the "love" for when it was there.

This sounds retarded, but I know I mean well.. ehh... yeah, sounds retarded.

Half psychotic, sick, hypnotic.

I tried to go to sleep.. and 30 seconds after taking my glasses off and resting my head on the pillow, my mind shot on.

The night's events were wicked.. all family crap. Details are unnecessary.. but I did take a Xanex, and I'm a little loopy. I feel like I need to write though. I can't put together any solid poetry right now, but I need something to flow from my mind, through my fingers, and onto this screen.

The pas 2 days.. I don't know how to think. I have so much on my plate right now, so much on my mind with school, and life, and now having issues with my dog.. I'm kind of a mess.

No one really reads my blog.. and I'm okay with it. I put it out there once or twice, and whoever managed to catch it when I threw it will see.. if they care enough to. Otherwise, I think I do this just for me. No, I'm sure I do this just for me.

So.. when I find someone I care a lot about, and things go sour, I learned that the best thing for me to do is eliminate every aspect of them from my life.. just so, you know, to get over them quicker. I found that when people just cut me off, I healed better, but when they wanted to remain as friends or continue to drag me on a false hope roller coaster for 6 months, I didn't get over them.. well, not until I cut all ties for a year. This is how I operate. It hurts me to do it, but this is how I do.. throbbing, aching loneliness and decreased appetite for a month or so is a hell of a lot better than living with a false hope that someone who you thought loved/liked/wanted you is gonna fix up and be all googly again.

My thing is, I've never been the one to fuck up before.

So I started to go into separation mode. I gave up hope, began to try to mentally check out, to zone out into anything other than him. Nope. He made it unbearably difficult for me to ignore him. I didn't hate him, not at all, I just had resigned to the fact that I fucked up, and I wasn't going to be forgiven.. so I began to cope. He wouldn't accept it.. but for some reason, I don't think he's accepted my apology either.

I gave in, and went to see him.. and, I don't know if who I went to see is the same person I've known for a few months now. The person I encountered was affectionate in ways toward me that I've never quite felt before. That sounds perverted, but it's not meant to be. Anyway, to make a long story even longer, I didn't think he was capable of missing me.. or even really having any emotion towards me. He was kind of cold for a while, and it made me question what I was doing, pretending that things were great, when only one of us was totally into the whole thing.

Regardless.. the issue in my mind is one of my my favorite quotes.. it's from the movie Love Affair..

"The trick in life isn't getting what you want, it's wanting it after you get it."

It's not me that I'm worried about.. Am I going to bore him? I just can't see how I completely believe how he's got this new found belief of how much he actually cares about me. I resigned myself to him not really giving much of a shit for over a month, convinced myself that he's still head over heels for his ex, and so I feel like I have my guard up a little. He doesn't trust me, hasn't really even accepted my apology, but had to see me, and talks about me to his friends..? Talks about ME? And missed ME? I just.. I guess I'm still in shock. The past 7 days has been like a continuous dream sequence.. from ok, to horrible, to better, to so so, to great, to amazing, to bad, to right now. Fuck.. I hate how I think so much.. and I hate how much I miss him already, even after overstaying with him for a good 26 or so hours.

I wonder if anyone reads this shit.. I don't foresee myself telling anyone about it again. I kind of like it as a hush hush thing.. it just makes me feel so much better to have it out there.. guess it's kind of like my own little postsecret.. just a lot more obvious.

I guess I'll try to sleep again.. damn, I thought Xanex was supposed to help you shut your anxiety off and sleep, not cause deep emotional ramblings. Ugh.