aye papi..

I don't know if there's much worse than finding photos of your ex strewn about your phone.. in this case, I was more angry about it all. I was mad that my phone was being slow as shit, and I blamed it on the 97 photos of him in my phone that I'd been too lazy and angry to confront and delete. So rather than going to sleep, I ONE BY ONE deleted each photo, snickering a bit at my thought process with each "tap" of the delete button. It felt good to free up some of that space for some much more worthy MUSIC. He never liked music. Who doesn't like music? Seriously, you only get a pass on that if you're deaf. Whatever. Lame.

I'm up still. Went to Night Train tonight at KFN with Ash and her.. whatever that dude is to her. Met Dave there, and as soon as he walked in, Ash peaced out, and it was me and Dave at the booth.. from that point on our booth was like a god damn revolving door of hot guys that my roommates should have stayed to hit on, but I digress. Dave and I got to catch up on a lot, which is cool because I never get to talk to him one on one anymore without worrying that one of us will offend someone with our very bold opinions.. he doesn't care, I kinda do. That's just Dave though.

Isl had walked in behind Ash, dude, and I, and literally almost ran me over to get in.. he looked like someone had just killed his puppy, and he was angry and sad. That's what happens when you have to do "the meetup" with your ex to get all of your shit back. It's never pleasant. At least his isn't throwing rocks at his window.. yet. Anyway, after he set up his stuff and simmered down a bit, he came and hung out with Dave and I.. and somehow like 35 other people flocked to the booth and we had people sitting on the table, behind the table, someone's hot girlfriend in my lap.. I think if I swung both ways this would have been like a dream come true.. but I digress, again. He seemed more at ease once he was surrounded by all of his friends and shit.. Actually, come to think of it.. who the hell was djing the whole time if all of them were sitting with us for like 15 minutes? Mysterious. Oh, and to go completely off the subject once more, I finally confirmed that it was indeed Cat Power that Greg Foreman was a part of. No shit. I shazamed one of their songs once. Hooray for shazam.. and boo to Gregg for not being in Cat Power anymore. I think that's a boo. I don't know. I'm probably wrong. Whatever he wants it to be, yay or boo. Pick one Greg. You don't even read this. Nevermind. I need sleep.

Anyway, it was a quiet night. I didn't get black out drunk this time which is really a step up from last Thursday night. Had a few beers and then Mr. Jaffe walked me the whole 2.5 blocks back home just before the night ended.. and I still can't sleep. Been coughing my brains out again.. I've had this cough since early July. I know there's something seriously wrong with me.. it just keeps coming back with a vengeance. I just hope I don't get anyone else in the house sick. I guess they would've been by now though then, right?

Work later today, blah. Money has sucked so hard there lately. I'm really sick of making shitty money. I hope I get this job bartending at the penthouse club. Not my most ideal place to make drinks, but whatever. It is what it is.Saturday, dress shopping with the ladies.. because I just woke up one day and hated my entire wardrobe, so I have no dress to wear. Well, I like some of the ones I have, but I've been wearing the hell out of them lately. I just want to live in dresses forever. I hate pants so much. I put them on today for like 3 minutes and said, hell no, this isn't happening and changed immediately. Anyway, I need something tight and sassy for h&k. After all, it's kind of a fashion show of sorts, and I'm actually on display this time.. sorta.. kinda.. yeah. Anyway, Isl better come through on saving those crazy laser rings for me and the ladies. I think it's only fair that I be allowed to shoot lasers out of my fingers while dancing. I can't imagine you'd disagree. Who are you anyway? And why do I suddenly smell stale cheese curls? Holy shit, I need to go to bed.

change is in the air

this is the first time.. in my life.. I've been completely scared out of my mind by everything in my life.

I've never handled change well.. that would be the first thing my Mom would tell you if asked. So much has changed and continues to change in my life so quickly.. I just wish I could pull back on the reigns and slow it down a little. It's all coming at once.

I'm having one of those nights, where I examine myself really closely while listening to music that keeps me on the verge of tears. Why? Because I haven't cried.. I know I need to, and I want to, but I just can't. Even at Gina's viewing earlier tonight, I teared up a little, but I just couldn't cry.

I.. have always let a man define me. Even throughout the times I've been single, I always had a crush, or was dating someone sort of.. and right now, I am so flustered by moving, and school, and turning 25.. it's the first time in my life that I truly want no one right now. Sure, I will always have feelings for certain people (yes, plural) but I truly have no time for anyone right now, and that frightens and confuses me. Why? Because I've never had time in my life where I wasn't at least crushing on someone. Right now, as lonely as I am, I'm trying to avoid letting a man define who I am, and I'm trying to focus on me.. but I'll tell you what, I am so lonesome.

I'm tired of being the other woman. I want to be THE woman.. but I want to be that woman to a man who holds my interest for more than 2 weeks.. or isn't emotionally reserved. I just can't mentally cope with this anymore. I wanna be done with this game.. I don't want to date anymore. I've had enough. At what point do I get my happily ever after?

March 26, 2010 3:45 p.m.

I opened a word document to begin typing about loss.. but I’m at a loss for words. Irony? Probably not.

I don’t much understand my own thought pattern right now. I’m the one who ended it, and still, I feel like I got my heart broken, except.. I was the one that did the breaking of it. I broke my own heart this time. Of all the journal entries I wrote about love lost, and past relationships, this has got to be the weirdest one yet. In the past, when I’ve ended something, I’ve felt okay about it after, a sense of freedom, new opportunities, etc. but this time, I just feel empty. Which brings me to the question.. why?

I feel like.. I made a huge mistake, but at the same time, I’m trying to remember the reasons why. The little stuff that I can’t argue about, the things that just don’t work with me.. and I know about compromise, but I think it’s possible to love a lot of parts of someone, but not be good with others.. I’m pretty certain he thinks this is some grand scheme for me to go date someone else, but it’s not. I just.. I don’t have the mind power for it. I’m a different kind of person.. I like to devote my all to someone, but I can’t do that now. I can’t. I’m a mess about school, lack of a job, moving, new school.. I’m in such a transition, I just feel like I can’t devote that energy to anyone. I thought I was ready, but I wasn’t.. and somehow, in the process, I broke my own heart.

I can’t speak for him. I don’t know how he feels exactly. He could hate me for all I know.. and I don’t think I’d blame him. I just don’t feel as if I could have been what he needs.. I don’t think he would have ever trusted me, and I don’t blame him. I’m a secretive person, I’m a loner. I don’t like to share a lot of parts of myself with people, even though it may seem that way sometimes. Hell, only like 4 people even know this blog exists, but I guess, I feel like if a stranger in a similar situation stumbled upon it and read, maybe they wouldn’t feel so alone.

I haven’t really gotten out of bed yet. It’s 4 p.m. I just, I.. don’t even know what to say. I keep seeing things covered in 1111’s, and my eyes well up and I go “what the fuck am I doing?” and then I think as hard as I can.. and as stupid as this is, I go back to the lyrics from my favorite song, every sentence in it describes me. “I hope to learn as time goes by, That I should trust what's deep inside, Burning bright, oh burning bright, My sensible heart, my sensible heart.” and I can’t tell which part is deep inside.. is it breaking his heart because he doesn’t deserve to be lead on if I feel like he isn’t the one, or is it feeling like I messed up because he IS the one? Which part of it is the deepest? What the hell is going on in my head?

All I can think about is his perfect smile, and with that, I’ve begun to cry again.

Love, love, love (love, love)

Every so often I find myself falling in love with something.. a character, a real person, a song, some lyrics, a place, an animal, a hobby, an idea, a belief, a goal.. and as much as it's retarded, I blame it on being a Libra. I am in love with love.. and love to feel in love, to be passionate about things.. so when I see someone who is low on love, someone who feels unloved, or as if they're not going to gain love, I feel like my heart hurts for them, and then somehow, I fall in love with their plight. I can't say for sure if I briefly fall in love with them, or if it's just the idea of me alleviating their lovelessness, but I feel like if I were to act on these things, I'd do more damage than good, so I seldom do.

I guess, I feel as if the whole "it's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all" thing is kind of a mantra. Like, to introduce someone to love, whether it be a person, or a thing, or whatever.. and how good it feels.. but sometimes, as in the past (not in the present, relax) I feel as if I got so frustrated with these people not feeling the love, that I temporarily became the source of the love, just until I knew they felt it, and then I was gone.. so, I guess I kinda made it worse for a few people. They loved, were [sorta] loved, and then lost. I like.. pulled the carpet out from beneath them.. but it was all with good intentions.. like, hey, chin up, it happened once, why not again? It all goes back to one line from my favorite song ever "Behind this emotion there's a sensible heart". I always mean well, but sometimes it just comes out all extra backwards and retarded. I hope the people who's hearts I squashed at least could appreciate the "love" for when it was there.

This sounds retarded, but I know I mean well.. ehh... yeah, sounds retarded.