New moves.

So, I'm all moved in.

Mostly.

I just have some clothes to bring.. but now I need to organize a ton of stuff, which is no fun. My room is looking really pretty though. I need to go to Ikea and figure out what kind of little wall shelves I want. Guess that depends on whether I put a wall decal behind my bed. I have these pretty little lamps I got from there.. they're little frosted globes with white cherry blossoms all over them. It goes well with the white/minty seafoam theme of my room. I wish I had more outlets. 2 is not enough for such a big room.

Yeah, I owe the guys. Chip and his brother Matt helped move a lot of the stuff, then Dave came over and helped with the rest. Really owe them.. I'd have been screwed without them here. Speaking of which, I'm still sitting in my bed at 2:40 p.m. Ugh, I wanted to get an early start, but this is the first day I've been able to actually sleep until waking, without worry of furniture. I DO need to get back to the parents place and grab clothes and such, and handle some bullshit financial aid stuff. What a mess. SallieMae sucks. Money sucks. Loans suck. I wish I were rich.

It hasn't really sunken in yet, about moving.. I guess it will after a week or so. I missed Rush and Lola last night. They both usually sleep with me. Diesel is usually in and out, but Lola sleep right behind me on her own pillow. It bummed me out when I woke up and she didn't meow in my face when my eyes opened. They'll be here soon enough.. gotta get everyone moved in first.

Called Bradlee up a little while ago to wish him luck on the bar. Ugh, I do not envy him at all the next 3 days.. but I think he'll be able to pull it off. Somehow he always skates through things okay. I'm trying to stay positive, because I don't think he's feeling too great about it all. I don't blame him, I was the same was with my Orgo tests, and somehow came out of it. Anyway, that's gonna be on my mind a little.

Life has gone all over the damn place lately. I feel so scattered between 2 states. My job has been so so lately. I used to love it a lot, but lately the money has been kinda crappy, and the heat is really getting to me. It's hard to work outside in this kind of weather. I feel bad for landscapers and construction people.

I really should go get ready to go to Jersey, I have so much to do.. plus, there's food there. There is currently won ton soup, a slice of pizza, and cupcakes. Yeah. Not healthy.

Holy crap, a bunch of people just walked into my house.. landlord forgot to tell me the electrician, his partner, his nephew, and her Mom were gonna be coming today. Scared the shit out of me. Guess I'm staying here for a while..

change is in the air

this is the first time.. in my life.. I've been completely scared out of my mind by everything in my life.

I've never handled change well.. that would be the first thing my Mom would tell you if asked. So much has changed and continues to change in my life so quickly.. I just wish I could pull back on the reigns and slow it down a little. It's all coming at once.

I'm having one of those nights, where I examine myself really closely while listening to music that keeps me on the verge of tears. Why? Because I haven't cried.. I know I need to, and I want to, but I just can't. Even at Gina's viewing earlier tonight, I teared up a little, but I just couldn't cry.

I.. have always let a man define me. Even throughout the times I've been single, I always had a crush, or was dating someone sort of.. and right now, I am so flustered by moving, and school, and turning 25.. it's the first time in my life that I truly want no one right now. Sure, I will always have feelings for certain people (yes, plural) but I truly have no time for anyone right now, and that frightens and confuses me. Why? Because I've never had time in my life where I wasn't at least crushing on someone. Right now, as lonely as I am, I'm trying to avoid letting a man define who I am, and I'm trying to focus on me.. but I'll tell you what, I am so lonesome.

I'm tired of being the other woman. I want to be THE woman.. but I want to be that woman to a man who holds my interest for more than 2 weeks.. or isn't emotionally reserved. I just can't mentally cope with this anymore. I wanna be done with this game.. I don't want to date anymore. I've had enough. At what point do I get my happily ever after?

dot dot dot

What is it about me.. that I.. Ugh.

I don't even know how to put my thoughts into words.. I feel like most of what I'm thinking is all images.. memories.. smells, sensations.. things that can be described in words, that is, if you're a terrific writer,.. or if I was in a better mood.. or if I wasn't abusing the "..." thing so much. I think I'll continue to abuse it. ...

I'm not feeling very strong lately.. maybe because I'm extra worried about school and money and moving.. and the fact that Diesel loves to run out the door and I don't want him to get lost in the big city.. then there's the city.. and the fear I have of the people lurking in the shadows. What is it about cities that attract so many awful people? Or maybe it's the same as the burbs, except that everyone is forced to live closer to each other.. doesn't spread out the evil as much as a backyard and a nice porch would. God, I wish I had a ton of money.

My head is all over the map. I haven't written since I was happy.. and even then, I deleted that post because I couldn't stand to read it after ending my last relationship. It still doesn't feel right, and I don't know if it ever will. It's hard to love someone so much, but be conscious that something is just missing.. it's so hard not to fall into old ways, and to be strong when all you want to do is snuggle up to them and fall asleep. I haven't really slept well in about three weeks.. maybe because even before I did this it was on my mind.. well, that and all the other shit going on.

How fair would it be of me to ask him to stand by my side as I stumble through the next 2 years? I'm not even sure about myself, let alone a man.. I just.. couldn't give him the attention he needed, and I fault myself for that mainly because of my indecisive nature. I feel as if.. whenever I finally get something, I suddenly lose interest.. or even not suddenly, maybe over time.. but that's not right. I complain about how I'm miserable when a man treats me like shit, but am I really? Or is that what I secretly want? Someone to act as if I'm not that important, to not fall all over me or love me deeply.. to put other things before me.. is that what I want deep down inside? Because those kind of men are the only ones who have ever held on to me for more than 6 months. The ones that acted like they could give 2 shits about me. How do I fix this about myself?

It was the hardest decision regarding another person I have ever had to make.. and every day, at some point or another, my eyes sting, and my cheeks get red, and I cry just a little bit, because as much as I know it was the right thing to do, I not only had to break his heart, I had to break my own.

No men. Not for a long time. I need to focus on me, and school, and money.. I can't be doing this when I'm in school.. and that's why I had to do it now.. because I knew I'd mourn this for weeks.. and I can't be that weak when I have to be in school.. I had to be smart this time.. I just have to keep reassuring myself..

I just wish I could sleep.

Eff.

I skipped class today.

Bad idea.

I don't know why. I was awake, I just didn't wanna move out of bed, and I didn't wanna open the curtains, so I decided continuing to hide under the covers and put off facing any other human contact for a while. Even now, I'm hiding in my room with Lola.

I woke up today and had one text message sent at 11:11, and two sent at 1:11. What. The. Fuck. Come the hell on. The metaphysical world is such an asshole right now. I should screen cap that.. Don't think I'll post it though cause of last names and such.

I feel like there was something more important for me to say. Maybe I just felt like typing.. I'm not all that sure, but I'll probably write again later today. Now, I'm going to go take my temperature, avoid looking at the mess in the mirror, and crawl back into bed to feel like crap and mope.

Hey, at least I have plans.