aye papi..

I don't know if there's much worse than finding photos of your ex strewn about your phone.. in this case, I was more angry about it all. I was mad that my phone was being slow as shit, and I blamed it on the 97 photos of him in my phone that I'd been too lazy and angry to confront and delete. So rather than going to sleep, I ONE BY ONE deleted each photo, snickering a bit at my thought process with each "tap" of the delete button. It felt good to free up some of that space for some much more worthy MUSIC. He never liked music. Who doesn't like music? Seriously, you only get a pass on that if you're deaf. Whatever. Lame.

I'm up still. Went to Night Train tonight at KFN with Ash and her.. whatever that dude is to her. Met Dave there, and as soon as he walked in, Ash peaced out, and it was me and Dave at the booth.. from that point on our booth was like a god damn revolving door of hot guys that my roommates should have stayed to hit on, but I digress. Dave and I got to catch up on a lot, which is cool because I never get to talk to him one on one anymore without worrying that one of us will offend someone with our very bold opinions.. he doesn't care, I kinda do. That's just Dave though.

Isl had walked in behind Ash, dude, and I, and literally almost ran me over to get in.. he looked like someone had just killed his puppy, and he was angry and sad. That's what happens when you have to do "the meetup" with your ex to get all of your shit back. It's never pleasant. At least his isn't throwing rocks at his window.. yet. Anyway, after he set up his stuff and simmered down a bit, he came and hung out with Dave and I.. and somehow like 35 other people flocked to the booth and we had people sitting on the table, behind the table, someone's hot girlfriend in my lap.. I think if I swung both ways this would have been like a dream come true.. but I digress, again. He seemed more at ease once he was surrounded by all of his friends and shit.. Actually, come to think of it.. who the hell was djing the whole time if all of them were sitting with us for like 15 minutes? Mysterious. Oh, and to go completely off the subject once more, I finally confirmed that it was indeed Cat Power that Greg Foreman was a part of. No shit. I shazamed one of their songs once. Hooray for shazam.. and boo to Gregg for not being in Cat Power anymore. I think that's a boo. I don't know. I'm probably wrong. Whatever he wants it to be, yay or boo. Pick one Greg. You don't even read this. Nevermind. I need sleep.

Anyway, it was a quiet night. I didn't get black out drunk this time which is really a step up from last Thursday night. Had a few beers and then Mr. Jaffe walked me the whole 2.5 blocks back home just before the night ended.. and I still can't sleep. Been coughing my brains out again.. I've had this cough since early July. I know there's something seriously wrong with me.. it just keeps coming back with a vengeance. I just hope I don't get anyone else in the house sick. I guess they would've been by now though then, right?

Work later today, blah. Money has sucked so hard there lately. I'm really sick of making shitty money. I hope I get this job bartending at the penthouse club. Not my most ideal place to make drinks, but whatever. It is what it is.Saturday, dress shopping with the ladies.. because I just woke up one day and hated my entire wardrobe, so I have no dress to wear. Well, I like some of the ones I have, but I've been wearing the hell out of them lately. I just want to live in dresses forever. I hate pants so much. I put them on today for like 3 minutes and said, hell no, this isn't happening and changed immediately. Anyway, I need something tight and sassy for h&k. After all, it's kind of a fashion show of sorts, and I'm actually on display this time.. sorta.. kinda.. yeah. Anyway, Isl better come through on saving those crazy laser rings for me and the ladies. I think it's only fair that I be allowed to shoot lasers out of my fingers while dancing. I can't imagine you'd disagree. Who are you anyway? And why do I suddenly smell stale cheese curls? Holy shit, I need to go to bed.

The birds and the bees.. they are wise to the lies

It's late. I'm awake. Actually, for some people, this is early.. because it's half passed 5 in the morning.

I have this issue, where I feel completely apathetic about everything.. I almost just kinda expect things to not work out, so I always just go and make other plans at this point. That's kinda sad, right? I always have a backup, because I know what I REALLY want to do isn't going to happen. So weird. Weirrrd weird weird.

Anyway, I had an impromptu photoshoot with Izzy tonight because I looked really good (for a specific reason) and then after making myself look good, immediately knew that it was gonna be all for nothing, so I called her up and she took some pics of me, and her, Andy, and I all hung out and did our thing like we do. Prior to that, had dinner with the 'rents, picked up a few things, saw my very depressed dog, and then continued with the aforementioned.

Got home about 3:30 a.m. . was standing in my room with the door open and a pretty good looking bearded dude comes down Ash's steps in his boxers.. sees me, freezes, and stutters as to why he's standing in my doorway in his underwear. While it was an awkward situation, I think it was more so for him, and more just plain funny for me. So he ran into the bathroom and I immediately texted "WIN" to Ash, not knowing she was coming down the steps. She sees me, we both hear her phone go off (my text) and she says "Is that you texting me WIN?" HAHAHAHA amazing! YES, YES IT WAS! So bearded dude comes out and sorta slinks by me repeating that it was nice to meet me, over and over as he made his way back up her steps. Priceless. That's all win right there Ash, that's all win. At least one of us is getting something in this house tonight.

So, anyway, I should get to bed.. I have to start going to bed at a normal time.. hahaha.. funny. Me, normal time, right.

Oh, and as I side note.. I am so addicted to the song "The Mission" by Puscifer featuring Milla Jovovitch.. it's like pure sex to my eardrums. I must have more.

rock, out.

change is in the air

this is the first time.. in my life.. I've been completely scared out of my mind by everything in my life.

I've never handled change well.. that would be the first thing my Mom would tell you if asked. So much has changed and continues to change in my life so quickly.. I just wish I could pull back on the reigns and slow it down a little. It's all coming at once.

I'm having one of those nights, where I examine myself really closely while listening to music that keeps me on the verge of tears. Why? Because I haven't cried.. I know I need to, and I want to, but I just can't. Even at Gina's viewing earlier tonight, I teared up a little, but I just couldn't cry.

I.. have always let a man define me. Even throughout the times I've been single, I always had a crush, or was dating someone sort of.. and right now, I am so flustered by moving, and school, and turning 25.. it's the first time in my life that I truly want no one right now. Sure, I will always have feelings for certain people (yes, plural) but I truly have no time for anyone right now, and that frightens and confuses me. Why? Because I've never had time in my life where I wasn't at least crushing on someone. Right now, as lonely as I am, I'm trying to avoid letting a man define who I am, and I'm trying to focus on me.. but I'll tell you what, I am so lonesome.

I'm tired of being the other woman. I want to be THE woman.. but I want to be that woman to a man who holds my interest for more than 2 weeks.. or isn't emotionally reserved. I just can't mentally cope with this anymore. I wanna be done with this game.. I don't want to date anymore. I've had enough. At what point do I get my happily ever after?