questionable dance methods

So Isl and Jhn put a lot into hands and knees this time.. more so than ever before because they changed the location and the normal date.. barbary, saturday, not mroom, friday.. they got lasers, and doubled the sound system, hired shot girls.. and here's the kicker.. they hired gogo dancers. Gay ones. Gay boys as Isl puts it. Al I could do was sit here and laugh and shake my head. These are two of the least gay men I know, and I can only imagine them picking out gay men to dance all over the god damn Barbary. THE BARBARY. Where people are already questionable.. hahahahahaha. It's ridiculous! I love it! I was just lying down in bed, chuckling.. almost uncontrollably at the thought.. so much so that I had to type this. Hands and Knees really is one of my favorite memories of my 20s so far.. and it just keeps getting even better. I can't wait to see what they did with the place. And as a side note, I better have a god damned laser ring on my finger tomorrow night. Let's see if Isl comes through on that.. not holding my breath. I think the man is completely burnt out.. his sentences aren't even making much sense the past 2 days.. but as a future note to self, he says coconut water helps cure hangovers. MUST TRY THIS.

Also, I need a new dress. I think I said that last night.. Ash, Cara, and I are going to KOP to get something to wear. Not that I have any money, but since I literally woke up one day and decided I hated my entire wardrobe and gave 80% of it away to good will and people, I kinda need to start rebuilding the collection.

I hope Cara is as impressed with h&k as Ash and I keep making it out to be.. granted, Tigerbeats is similar.. bur without the lasers, shot girls, gay men gogo dancers, loudness, and debauchery.. so, I guess it's not really the same at all.

God, I love me. I love my life right now. I just wish I had more money. Breaking up with the ex so I didn't destroy his life, and could regain a sense of sanity, and moving away from Jersey may have been the two best decisions I've made in years.. I really do feel like I started a new chapter of my life.. and the best part is, I have no idea where the hell it's going.. how exciting, right?! Now.. I really should focus on getting rid of this cough that I've had since the end of June.. oh, and sleep. I should do that first. Like, now.

Nostalgia 101

The internet has made it so much easier to torture yourself.. but I'll get back to that point later.

So, I just moved.. and I've gotten sick of stacked tupperware containers full of stuff. Today I decided to go through some of it.. to see what I wanted to decorate with, and what could go back into storage.

My last move.. was abrupt. I had a little less than 4 hours to move every object out of my apartment and into a truck and a van.. with no prior packing. This meant my mom, dad, cousin, and I ran in and just started throwing things into boxes.. the only things that got wrapped somewhat carefully were my dishes and glassware. Everything else was just scattered into whatever containers we had.

So, to get to the point.. I found a lot of old photos.. and an old box with the most amazing incense sort of scent.. with a necklace in it.. with a note. It's amazing the things that come rushing back with just a smell. They say smell is the strongest of the senses when it comes to triggering memory. I believe it. I could smell my life back in 2005.. but this time, I wasn't smelling the hatred, the heartache, the week without eating, the betrayal.. I was smelling how happy I was at one point. It's hard to remember those times.. and while I'm no where in love with Ryan anymore, it was nice to remember how alive I felt, not because I was so incredibly sad, but when I was so incredibly in love. I've only felt that twice.. the so happy, and so in love part.. otherwise, the heartache usually trumps it all. Most people feel most alive when they're hurting inside.. and I agree. I always have.. but there are 2 times I've been so happy in love that I felt unstoppable.. until it all went wrong.. and both, ruined in some way or another by the internet.

I went through the notes, looked at the pictures.. some of the little knick knacks I had at my old place.. things that made me smile and clutch it to my chest for just a moment with a bit of a nostalgic, hopeless romantic sigh.. and then I put most of it back in it's storage spot so I could rediscover it again a bit down the line and sigh all over again.

Fast forward through my night. I'd tried not to get my hopes up about plans that were loosely discussed yesterday. I just knew that I'd get blown off.. some things never change.. but alas, I sat here, disappointed. My roommates weren't up for going out tonight (since they go out most other nights.. except.. I was off tonight for a change, and nothing panned out).. and I kind of came up with nothing to do. There's no one I really much wanted to see with the exception of one, and I knew from the moment the loose and never solidified plans were put on the table that they would never come to fruition.

Back to the part about the internet allowing immediate torture. Women.. we all do it, all the time. When we're hurting, or missing, or wanting.. we torture ourselves even more with memories. We seek out reasons to make ourselves even more pathetic and sad.. and thus, I went through some more old pictures.. not many, mind you. I don't have my external drive at the new place, and I had to get them off my computer in fear of my last ex setting my computer on fire if he discovered I'd kept them.. but the few I could find, on the internet.. there was this warm and sort of tingly feeling that went from my inner thighs, and straight up through my chest and to my head. It could have been sexual, who knows.. but I think it was more of a deep absorption of the images.. a deep meditation into these old memories.. remembering every single detail of those moments.. and some of the things that were said or done.. it's amazing how a photo can bring back as much as an entire chapter of your life, or as minute as the way their lips felt against yours when you went in for a small peck on the lips, and they drunkenly grabbed your entire face and made out with you across a table. These are the memories that men never remember.. these are the memories that only us women hold on to.. the gestures, the glances.. the words, the moments when you could actually see the love in their eyes, the moments when they didn't say I love you, but the twinkle in their eye, and the slightly trembling of their lips made it clear. Being a woman allows for those extra memories. It's a blessing, and it's a curse.. depending on where you stand with the person when you recall upon the memory.

I never thought someone could disappoint me so many times, and for so long. Love creates denial. It creates the idea that people will change, "It was just this once, this second time, this 93rd time.." love causes us to create an excuse for them each and every time they break our hearts. Whether it be with cruel words, a cold shoulder, or a knock down the priority ladder.. somehow, when we're in love, we always create excuses for why they don't seem to care.

My question.. for myself.. is how many years does it take to learn a lesson? How many failed attempts will it take to get angry.. for good? I don't know if I'll ever have the strength to let go, and that scares the hell out of me. The worst part is that the idea that "one sided love is obsession" was pounded into my head by this very same person.. and now I just feel psychotic. I know that's not right.. it's possible to be in love with someone and they don't return it.. but I don't think it's obsession.. or is it? I can't quite decide now that I type it out. Is he right? Am I obsessed? I hate to think of it that way, because it's made me fear falling in love.. I just don't understand.. there are a few very handsome and sweet guys that I completely blow off without a second thought, because all I want is the one who doesn't want me. I feel like that's all people ever want.. the unobtainable.

I suppose I should stop going on and on about this.. It's so childish at this point.. to be stuck in this loop..

As a side note.. I still wonder who reads this.. and if they even read the entire thing. Well, whatever. I can feel myself getting overtired.. so I guess it's time to call this quits.

Tomorrow is a new day.. but this isn't over. It's never over.

Guarded in my head for you, I can't get rid of these secrets.

I had a dream the other night that there was a flood.. and it had both of my parents in it.. and at one point, I got swept apart from them, but somehow made it back over. I'm pretty sure somehow (in my head) it was related to the sinkhole that occurred in my dream. I'm finding it a little tougher to find the meaning of sinkholes, but I can kinda guess. I read the meaning about the flood part of the dream and it freaked me out how much sense it made.

Psychological Meaning: Water symbolises the emotional side of the unconscious. To dream of a flood or being swept away by water, indicates that you feel emotionally overwhelmed. These dreams also hint at baptism and rebirth. The fertile, nourishing effect of floodwater may be implied. This dream could therefore represent the start of a new phase of life and renewed personal growth.

Tell me about it. Strange how our brain puts this stuff into symbols.

In addition, I've been dreaming vividly about another issue in my life.. I guess I can't really mention a lot about it since it seems to piss people off, but it seems my subconscious is just as confused as my consciousness. Every night it seems I have a dream showing me the real facts of what's going on, and I wake up feeling terribly sad and unappreciated, and I think, damn Steph, you're trying to tell yourself something here, but you just keep battling it. I don't know.. even while I'm awake right now I'm trying to come up with ways to discredit my subconscious. Blah. I have an awesome GPA and I go to school to look at small shit under a microscope, yet somehow I am the most stubborn person ever when it comes to trying to learn life lessons. Ugh.. okay, I need to get ready for work now. 12 hour shift ahead of me.. AGGGH.

thrills and chills.

it's funny to be accused of something, and no matter how much you fight it, you just can't convince the person that you're innocent. I guess it's not really funny, but at some point you just gotta chuckle out of sheer frustration.

That brings up another thought.. why is it, that human beings are so fond of pursuing something unobtainable, yet once obtained, it's become dull? Back to my rant about the thrill of the chase.. It frustrates the shit out of me when people do it to me, yet, I do it to people all the time. I wish I knew how to stop that, because I'm going to end up really lonely.

Maybe I should take up hunting or something.. maybe I need the hunt, but if I could redirect it.. agh, I can't kill things. Shit.

I have no more tears left for certain scenarios.. at this point, it's fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.. yet, I'm at fool me like, 40 times. Sometimes I even fool myself, so I don't ever know if I'm winning or losing. This isn't about ONE specific person, no, it's the same mistakes made over and over again with several different people. I just can't seem to kick some of these terrible habits. I don't even WANT anyone right now, but all I can think of is the thrill of the hunt. How sick is that? This is SHEER boredom. Like I don't have enough to occupy my time right now, why would I wanna throw this into the mix? Why would I be dialing half the number of my most recent ex to text him that I was thinking about him, or the reoccuring ex who always wants me and then all the sudden starts dating some "elle" girl only to go and eventually get bored with her.. Sure, I care about these people, but why don't I care enough to leave them alone to find happiness? And better yet, why do some of them continue to yoyo me around and provoke my nasty hunting game?

This.. this is why I'm done dating right now. I obviously have some serious issues going on, and I need to address them real soon before I end up a very lonely woman the rest of my life.

I just wish I hadn't fucked the last one up so bad.. because I really thought I had something. When will I ever learn from these mistakes?

Maybe I should start by getting on real medication. Yay for health insurance soon. Yay indeed.

change is in the air

this is the first time.. in my life.. I've been completely scared out of my mind by everything in my life.

I've never handled change well.. that would be the first thing my Mom would tell you if asked. So much has changed and continues to change in my life so quickly.. I just wish I could pull back on the reigns and slow it down a little. It's all coming at once.

I'm having one of those nights, where I examine myself really closely while listening to music that keeps me on the verge of tears. Why? Because I haven't cried.. I know I need to, and I want to, but I just can't. Even at Gina's viewing earlier tonight, I teared up a little, but I just couldn't cry.

I.. have always let a man define me. Even throughout the times I've been single, I always had a crush, or was dating someone sort of.. and right now, I am so flustered by moving, and school, and turning 25.. it's the first time in my life that I truly want no one right now. Sure, I will always have feelings for certain people (yes, plural) but I truly have no time for anyone right now, and that frightens and confuses me. Why? Because I've never had time in my life where I wasn't at least crushing on someone. Right now, as lonely as I am, I'm trying to avoid letting a man define who I am, and I'm trying to focus on me.. but I'll tell you what, I am so lonesome.

I'm tired of being the other woman. I want to be THE woman.. but I want to be that woman to a man who holds my interest for more than 2 weeks.. or isn't emotionally reserved. I just can't mentally cope with this anymore. I wanna be done with this game.. I don't want to date anymore. I've had enough. At what point do I get my happily ever after?

dot dot dot

What is it about me.. that I.. Ugh.

I don't even know how to put my thoughts into words.. I feel like most of what I'm thinking is all images.. memories.. smells, sensations.. things that can be described in words, that is, if you're a terrific writer,.. or if I was in a better mood.. or if I wasn't abusing the "..." thing so much. I think I'll continue to abuse it. ...

I'm not feeling very strong lately.. maybe because I'm extra worried about school and money and moving.. and the fact that Diesel loves to run out the door and I don't want him to get lost in the big city.. then there's the city.. and the fear I have of the people lurking in the shadows. What is it about cities that attract so many awful people? Or maybe it's the same as the burbs, except that everyone is forced to live closer to each other.. doesn't spread out the evil as much as a backyard and a nice porch would. God, I wish I had a ton of money.

My head is all over the map. I haven't written since I was happy.. and even then, I deleted that post because I couldn't stand to read it after ending my last relationship. It still doesn't feel right, and I don't know if it ever will. It's hard to love someone so much, but be conscious that something is just missing.. it's so hard not to fall into old ways, and to be strong when all you want to do is snuggle up to them and fall asleep. I haven't really slept well in about three weeks.. maybe because even before I did this it was on my mind.. well, that and all the other shit going on.

How fair would it be of me to ask him to stand by my side as I stumble through the next 2 years? I'm not even sure about myself, let alone a man.. I just.. couldn't give him the attention he needed, and I fault myself for that mainly because of my indecisive nature. I feel as if.. whenever I finally get something, I suddenly lose interest.. or even not suddenly, maybe over time.. but that's not right. I complain about how I'm miserable when a man treats me like shit, but am I really? Or is that what I secretly want? Someone to act as if I'm not that important, to not fall all over me or love me deeply.. to put other things before me.. is that what I want deep down inside? Because those kind of men are the only ones who have ever held on to me for more than 6 months. The ones that acted like they could give 2 shits about me. How do I fix this about myself?

It was the hardest decision regarding another person I have ever had to make.. and every day, at some point or another, my eyes sting, and my cheeks get red, and I cry just a little bit, because as much as I know it was the right thing to do, I not only had to break his heart, I had to break my own.

No men. Not for a long time. I need to focus on me, and school, and money.. I can't be doing this when I'm in school.. and that's why I had to do it now.. because I knew I'd mourn this for weeks.. and I can't be that weak when I have to be in school.. I had to be smart this time.. I just have to keep reassuring myself..

I just wish I could sleep.

Love, love, love (love, love)

Every so often I find myself falling in love with something.. a character, a real person, a song, some lyrics, a place, an animal, a hobby, an idea, a belief, a goal.. and as much as it's retarded, I blame it on being a Libra. I am in love with love.. and love to feel in love, to be passionate about things.. so when I see someone who is low on love, someone who feels unloved, or as if they're not going to gain love, I feel like my heart hurts for them, and then somehow, I fall in love with their plight. I can't say for sure if I briefly fall in love with them, or if it's just the idea of me alleviating their lovelessness, but I feel like if I were to act on these things, I'd do more damage than good, so I seldom do.

I guess, I feel as if the whole "it's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all" thing is kind of a mantra. Like, to introduce someone to love, whether it be a person, or a thing, or whatever.. and how good it feels.. but sometimes, as in the past (not in the present, relax) I feel as if I got so frustrated with these people not feeling the love, that I temporarily became the source of the love, just until I knew they felt it, and then I was gone.. so, I guess I kinda made it worse for a few people. They loved, were [sorta] loved, and then lost. I like.. pulled the carpet out from beneath them.. but it was all with good intentions.. like, hey, chin up, it happened once, why not again? It all goes back to one line from my favorite song ever "Behind this emotion there's a sensible heart". I always mean well, but sometimes it just comes out all extra backwards and retarded. I hope the people who's hearts I squashed at least could appreciate the "love" for when it was there.

This sounds retarded, but I know I mean well.. ehh... yeah, sounds retarded.

I found myself standing on his porch last night.. for 5 minutes, my hand an inch from knocking.. and I just couldn't do it. I'd driven over there without a plan, not even knowing what I'd say, and I stopped cold, so close to knocking because I didn't know what I'd do when he opened the door.. if.. he'd opened the door.

I just wanted things to be okay.. and as I stood there, I went over it all in my head, the things I did wrong, the things he did wrong, the things I did wrong again, and then the things he did wrong again.. and my own stupid pride kicked in after 5 minutes, thinking, I did nothing wrong this time, and I got mad again, and walked down the steps, and drove away.

So I get a mile down the road, and have to pull over. Something wouldn't let me drive towards home, but it wasn't enough to make me turn around.. so I sat in my car on the side of the road for 40 minutes, just staring.. finally, I decided I was too unprepared, too tired, and it was too late to even attempt to discuss things.. so I went home, took a xanex, and fell unconscious sleep until this morning.

What I don't get, is how everything got so fucked up again.. I didn't actually do anything wrong this time, and somehow THAT turned into something I DID do wrong.. but I feel so justified in why I didn't admit the stuff I turned out to be guilty of.. because it was such a weird ass topic.. why should I have to spill every minute detail of my life or my feelings right now? Can't SOME things be sacred?

All I know right now is that I lost someone I was falling really hard for.. and I feel like for the past 2 days I've been wandering around in a fog about it. Maybe it wasn't meant to be.. maybe it was a terrible idea all along.. maybe this is a message from the great beyond or something.. but it doesn't change the fact that it hurts so badly that I can't even eat. Maybe that's a good thing too.. I needed to lose weight anyway.. but this probably isn't the best approach.

I'm going to take a nap, my chest feels so tight, my cheeks are red, my eyes sting, my nose is stuffy, and I only feel good when I'm asleep.

Half psychotic, sick, hypnotic.

I tried to go to sleep.. and 30 seconds after taking my glasses off and resting my head on the pillow, my mind shot on.

The night's events were wicked.. all family crap. Details are unnecessary.. but I did take a Xanex, and I'm a little loopy. I feel like I need to write though. I can't put together any solid poetry right now, but I need something to flow from my mind, through my fingers, and onto this screen.

The pas 2 days.. I don't know how to think. I have so much on my plate right now, so much on my mind with school, and life, and now having issues with my dog.. I'm kind of a mess.

No one really reads my blog.. and I'm okay with it. I put it out there once or twice, and whoever managed to catch it when I threw it will see.. if they care enough to. Otherwise, I think I do this just for me. No, I'm sure I do this just for me.

So.. when I find someone I care a lot about, and things go sour, I learned that the best thing for me to do is eliminate every aspect of them from my life.. just so, you know, to get over them quicker. I found that when people just cut me off, I healed better, but when they wanted to remain as friends or continue to drag me on a false hope roller coaster for 6 months, I didn't get over them.. well, not until I cut all ties for a year. This is how I operate. It hurts me to do it, but this is how I do.. throbbing, aching loneliness and decreased appetite for a month or so is a hell of a lot better than living with a false hope that someone who you thought loved/liked/wanted you is gonna fix up and be all googly again.

My thing is, I've never been the one to fuck up before.

So I started to go into separation mode. I gave up hope, began to try to mentally check out, to zone out into anything other than him. Nope. He made it unbearably difficult for me to ignore him. I didn't hate him, not at all, I just had resigned to the fact that I fucked up, and I wasn't going to be forgiven.. so I began to cope. He wouldn't accept it.. but for some reason, I don't think he's accepted my apology either.

I gave in, and went to see him.. and, I don't know if who I went to see is the same person I've known for a few months now. The person I encountered was affectionate in ways toward me that I've never quite felt before. That sounds perverted, but it's not meant to be. Anyway, to make a long story even longer, I didn't think he was capable of missing me.. or even really having any emotion towards me. He was kind of cold for a while, and it made me question what I was doing, pretending that things were great, when only one of us was totally into the whole thing.

Regardless.. the issue in my mind is one of my my favorite quotes.. it's from the movie Love Affair..

"The trick in life isn't getting what you want, it's wanting it after you get it."

It's not me that I'm worried about.. Am I going to bore him? I just can't see how I completely believe how he's got this new found belief of how much he actually cares about me. I resigned myself to him not really giving much of a shit for over a month, convinced myself that he's still head over heels for his ex, and so I feel like I have my guard up a little. He doesn't trust me, hasn't really even accepted my apology, but had to see me, and talks about me to his friends..? Talks about ME? And missed ME? I just.. I guess I'm still in shock. The past 7 days has been like a continuous dream sequence.. from ok, to horrible, to better, to so so, to great, to amazing, to bad, to right now. Fuck.. I hate how I think so much.. and I hate how much I miss him already, even after overstaying with him for a good 26 or so hours.

I wonder if anyone reads this shit.. I don't foresee myself telling anyone about it again. I kind of like it as a hush hush thing.. it just makes me feel so much better to have it out there.. guess it's kind of like my own little postsecret.. just a lot more obvious.

I guess I'll try to sleep again.. damn, I thought Xanex was supposed to help you shut your anxiety off and sleep, not cause deep emotional ramblings. Ugh.

Oh hay, shallow here!

Vanity.

I.. am so vain. I realized this while sitting next to my best friend on the couch, who also is very vain, but I love her.

I signed up for these dating sites a while back mostly because I was so sick of the bar scene, and wanting to avoid the bullshit part of dating. I wanted to basically see a profile of someone, and some pictures and tell if I was attracted or not.. okay, not quite in that order.

I've met a total of 4 people. The first one.. just.. no. Just.. no. The second one had some sort of trolling for ass agenda and I wasn't all about that, the third one I fell for really hard, and then he got disinterested, so I met the 4th, and then found out the 3rd actually cared, and then lied to him, and.. well, that brings us to the last few blog entries.

Anyway.. the only reason I met these people is because they passed my personal tests.

1.) Am I physically attracted? Yes. Yes I am.

2.) Teeth good? Yup.

3.) Funny? Seems that way (although 2 out of the 4 were not actually very funny.. it was more just annoying)

4.) Intriguing, mysterious, alluring, sexually charged? Again, 2 out of 4.. but one being the troll for ass everywhere one, so that didn't happen.

ANYWAY, out of these 4, only one went past the first meeting.. but point being, I get an ASSSSSSLOAD of messages daily.. and none of these people measure up to my standards. I am so god damn picky its retarded.

How am I ever going to find someone and fall in love and live happily ever after if I'm tearing people apart for eyes that are set too far apart, or a bad jawline? (I thank my best friend for introducing me to the appreciation of jawlines) Who am I to judge? I mean, I'm not perfect, not by any means.. but I've gone so long just sorta dating for personality, and then finding that I couldn't hold interest in a person because I wasn't physically attracted. So where are all of the good looking people with personalities and brains? Oh wait, a lot of them are dating ugly dumb people. God dammit. Wow, I sound shallow.

This is me being shallow. Probably because I had all those things I said I wanted in a guy, and then I fucked up. I don't foresee myself getting over this regret for a while. I just keep kicking myself for it because it's so hard to find all of this stuff in one person.. efff em ell.

Okay, done being vain and shallow for tonight.

Relationship Status: wtf.

Oh hey, I can answer that question confidently now... you know, the one about if I'm single or not? The answer is a definite yes now.

Two blogs, one day. I'm handling things poorly. How did I manage to mess up so badly this time? Back to a normal bitching point..

Relationships.. it always seems that the wrong people fall in love with me, and I hate to say it like that because I sound so stuck up and conceited, but it's the absolute truth.

In the fine words of a Mr. Dallas Green,

"So, why does it seem that every time I turn around somebody falls in love with me? This has never been my sole intention, and I have never claimed to have patents on such inventions."

..and the ones I'm all about are just so out of reach. The wrong people are falling in love with me, and every one of them says "But you're my soulmate!" No. If I were your soulmate, you'd be mine, and I know you're not, because I don't love you. End of story.

I'm floating off topic here. I seriously fucked up this time, and now I'm completely alone. I hurt one person, and then put a pin in the dream balloon of another. So what now? Binge drinking, sex with exes, and trips to far away places? Damn, I wish I were lacking a soul that much.. maybe partially, but not completely.. it just seems like the logical next step for someone who's shot themselves in both feet.

What the hell am I even talking about now? I should go home and go to bed.

What I am to you, you do not need.

"Falsehood is easy, truth so difficult." – George Eliot

Lying.

I’m sorry, but we all do it. Every single one of us. White lies at least. Lately though, mine have been pretty black, and I got caught.

So why is it that I lie? Why does anyone lie?

This past time, I did it in some sort of skewed attempt at protecting the other person’s peace of mind or feelings. Of course, when it backfired, I looked like a huge asshole and that whole “protect the feelings” part looked like it never existed. Man, I rationalize things all kinds of weird like.

I think we lie to avoid the awkwardness, but in the process we always make everything worse. You get so deep into a lie that you can’t pick yourself out, and I admit, I don’t have the courage in that situation to swallow my pride and admit defeat. I hate to lose. Hate it so much, I’ll go down burning.

My life lately has been such a blur. I don’t know where I’m at, how I’m going to get things done, and who I wanna drag along with me. In the process though, I seem to be alienating some important people, and I just don’t know how I feel about it. Am I remorseful for my sins over the past 2 years? Not quite.. and that’s the problem. Where is my conscience? When did I stop caring how everyone felt (as a whole) and start cutting people down emotionally? When did I become so disenchanted? Oh wait.. now I recall. But what does that even matter anymore? It doesn’t affect me in relation to the person, but the whole scenario, it lingers. I don’t think I’ve really felt anything since that happened. Just kinda.. floating through life and letting things happen. Where is my remorse? Maybe I’m just in shock. God, I hate when I lose.

So where do I stand now with the person I hurt? There was a deep feeling there from my end, I guess, one I didn’t feel was reciprocated, so maybe that’s why I broke down and moved on. Maybe I’m not cut out for this stuff for a while. I finally found a person that challenged me mentally, put me in my place.. and damn, was I put in my place. I feel like if I had a tail it’d definitely be in between my legs. This is just it though, if anything, I guess I care more now, because someone called me out on my bullshit. No one ever has the courage to do that with me, so I have no idea to handle it when it happens. I get super defensive, as most would. I’m really not used to this whole defeat thing.. where do I go from here? What’s my next move? Or is the next move not even mine?