questionable dance methods

So Isl and Jhn put a lot into hands and knees this time.. more so than ever before because they changed the location and the normal date.. barbary, saturday, not mroom, friday.. they got lasers, and doubled the sound system, hired shot girls.. and here's the kicker.. they hired gogo dancers. Gay ones. Gay boys as Isl puts it. Al I could do was sit here and laugh and shake my head. These are two of the least gay men I know, and I can only imagine them picking out gay men to dance all over the god damn Barbary. THE BARBARY. Where people are already questionable.. hahahahahaha. It's ridiculous! I love it! I was just lying down in bed, chuckling.. almost uncontrollably at the thought.. so much so that I had to type this. Hands and Knees really is one of my favorite memories of my 20s so far.. and it just keeps getting even better. I can't wait to see what they did with the place. And as a side note, I better have a god damned laser ring on my finger tomorrow night. Let's see if Isl comes through on that.. not holding my breath. I think the man is completely burnt out.. his sentences aren't even making much sense the past 2 days.. but as a future note to self, he says coconut water helps cure hangovers. MUST TRY THIS.

Also, I need a new dress. I think I said that last night.. Ash, Cara, and I are going to KOP to get something to wear. Not that I have any money, but since I literally woke up one day and decided I hated my entire wardrobe and gave 80% of it away to good will and people, I kinda need to start rebuilding the collection.

I hope Cara is as impressed with h&k as Ash and I keep making it out to be.. granted, Tigerbeats is similar.. bur without the lasers, shot girls, gay men gogo dancers, loudness, and debauchery.. so, I guess it's not really the same at all.

God, I love me. I love my life right now. I just wish I had more money. Breaking up with the ex so I didn't destroy his life, and could regain a sense of sanity, and moving away from Jersey may have been the two best decisions I've made in years.. I really do feel like I started a new chapter of my life.. and the best part is, I have no idea where the hell it's going.. how exciting, right?! Now.. I really should focus on getting rid of this cough that I've had since the end of June.. oh, and sleep. I should do that first. Like, now.

New moves.

So, I'm all moved in.

Mostly.

I just have some clothes to bring.. but now I need to organize a ton of stuff, which is no fun. My room is looking really pretty though. I need to go to Ikea and figure out what kind of little wall shelves I want. Guess that depends on whether I put a wall decal behind my bed. I have these pretty little lamps I got from there.. they're little frosted globes with white cherry blossoms all over them. It goes well with the white/minty seafoam theme of my room. I wish I had more outlets. 2 is not enough for such a big room.

Yeah, I owe the guys. Chip and his brother Matt helped move a lot of the stuff, then Dave came over and helped with the rest. Really owe them.. I'd have been screwed without them here. Speaking of which, I'm still sitting in my bed at 2:40 p.m. Ugh, I wanted to get an early start, but this is the first day I've been able to actually sleep until waking, without worry of furniture. I DO need to get back to the parents place and grab clothes and such, and handle some bullshit financial aid stuff. What a mess. SallieMae sucks. Money sucks. Loans suck. I wish I were rich.

It hasn't really sunken in yet, about moving.. I guess it will after a week or so. I missed Rush and Lola last night. They both usually sleep with me. Diesel is usually in and out, but Lola sleep right behind me on her own pillow. It bummed me out when I woke up and she didn't meow in my face when my eyes opened. They'll be here soon enough.. gotta get everyone moved in first.

Called Bradlee up a little while ago to wish him luck on the bar. Ugh, I do not envy him at all the next 3 days.. but I think he'll be able to pull it off. Somehow he always skates through things okay. I'm trying to stay positive, because I don't think he's feeling too great about it all. I don't blame him, I was the same was with my Orgo tests, and somehow came out of it. Anyway, that's gonna be on my mind a little.

Life has gone all over the damn place lately. I feel so scattered between 2 states. My job has been so so lately. I used to love it a lot, but lately the money has been kinda crappy, and the heat is really getting to me. It's hard to work outside in this kind of weather. I feel bad for landscapers and construction people.

I really should go get ready to go to Jersey, I have so much to do.. plus, there's food there. There is currently won ton soup, a slice of pizza, and cupcakes. Yeah. Not healthy.

Holy crap, a bunch of people just walked into my house.. landlord forgot to tell me the electrician, his partner, his nephew, and her Mom were gonna be coming today. Scared the shit out of me. Guess I'm staying here for a while..

thrills and chills.

it's funny to be accused of something, and no matter how much you fight it, you just can't convince the person that you're innocent. I guess it's not really funny, but at some point you just gotta chuckle out of sheer frustration.

That brings up another thought.. why is it, that human beings are so fond of pursuing something unobtainable, yet once obtained, it's become dull? Back to my rant about the thrill of the chase.. It frustrates the shit out of me when people do it to me, yet, I do it to people all the time. I wish I knew how to stop that, because I'm going to end up really lonely.

Maybe I should take up hunting or something.. maybe I need the hunt, but if I could redirect it.. agh, I can't kill things. Shit.

I have no more tears left for certain scenarios.. at this point, it's fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.. yet, I'm at fool me like, 40 times. Sometimes I even fool myself, so I don't ever know if I'm winning or losing. This isn't about ONE specific person, no, it's the same mistakes made over and over again with several different people. I just can't seem to kick some of these terrible habits. I don't even WANT anyone right now, but all I can think of is the thrill of the hunt. How sick is that? This is SHEER boredom. Like I don't have enough to occupy my time right now, why would I wanna throw this into the mix? Why would I be dialing half the number of my most recent ex to text him that I was thinking about him, or the reoccuring ex who always wants me and then all the sudden starts dating some "elle" girl only to go and eventually get bored with her.. Sure, I care about these people, but why don't I care enough to leave them alone to find happiness? And better yet, why do some of them continue to yoyo me around and provoke my nasty hunting game?

This.. this is why I'm done dating right now. I obviously have some serious issues going on, and I need to address them real soon before I end up a very lonely woman the rest of my life.

I just wish I hadn't fucked the last one up so bad.. because I really thought I had something. When will I ever learn from these mistakes?

Maybe I should start by getting on real medication. Yay for health insurance soon. Yay indeed.

change is in the air

this is the first time.. in my life.. I've been completely scared out of my mind by everything in my life.

I've never handled change well.. that would be the first thing my Mom would tell you if asked. So much has changed and continues to change in my life so quickly.. I just wish I could pull back on the reigns and slow it down a little. It's all coming at once.

I'm having one of those nights, where I examine myself really closely while listening to music that keeps me on the verge of tears. Why? Because I haven't cried.. I know I need to, and I want to, but I just can't. Even at Gina's viewing earlier tonight, I teared up a little, but I just couldn't cry.

I.. have always let a man define me. Even throughout the times I've been single, I always had a crush, or was dating someone sort of.. and right now, I am so flustered by moving, and school, and turning 25.. it's the first time in my life that I truly want no one right now. Sure, I will always have feelings for certain people (yes, plural) but I truly have no time for anyone right now, and that frightens and confuses me. Why? Because I've never had time in my life where I wasn't at least crushing on someone. Right now, as lonely as I am, I'm trying to avoid letting a man define who I am, and I'm trying to focus on me.. but I'll tell you what, I am so lonesome.

I'm tired of being the other woman. I want to be THE woman.. but I want to be that woman to a man who holds my interest for more than 2 weeks.. or isn't emotionally reserved. I just can't mentally cope with this anymore. I wanna be done with this game.. I don't want to date anymore. I've had enough. At what point do I get my happily ever after?