thrills and chills.

it's funny to be accused of something, and no matter how much you fight it, you just can't convince the person that you're innocent. I guess it's not really funny, but at some point you just gotta chuckle out of sheer frustration.

That brings up another thought.. why is it, that human beings are so fond of pursuing something unobtainable, yet once obtained, it's become dull? Back to my rant about the thrill of the chase.. It frustrates the shit out of me when people do it to me, yet, I do it to people all the time. I wish I knew how to stop that, because I'm going to end up really lonely.

Maybe I should take up hunting or something.. maybe I need the hunt, but if I could redirect it.. agh, I can't kill things. Shit.

I have no more tears left for certain scenarios.. at this point, it's fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.. yet, I'm at fool me like, 40 times. Sometimes I even fool myself, so I don't ever know if I'm winning or losing. This isn't about ONE specific person, no, it's the same mistakes made over and over again with several different people. I just can't seem to kick some of these terrible habits. I don't even WANT anyone right now, but all I can think of is the thrill of the hunt. How sick is that? This is SHEER boredom. Like I don't have enough to occupy my time right now, why would I wanna throw this into the mix? Why would I be dialing half the number of my most recent ex to text him that I was thinking about him, or the reoccuring ex who always wants me and then all the sudden starts dating some "elle" girl only to go and eventually get bored with her.. Sure, I care about these people, but why don't I care enough to leave them alone to find happiness? And better yet, why do some of them continue to yoyo me around and provoke my nasty hunting game?

This.. this is why I'm done dating right now. I obviously have some serious issues going on, and I need to address them real soon before I end up a very lonely woman the rest of my life.

I just wish I hadn't fucked the last one up so bad.. because I really thought I had something. When will I ever learn from these mistakes?

Maybe I should start by getting on real medication. Yay for health insurance soon. Yay indeed.

change is in the air

this is the first time.. in my life.. I've been completely scared out of my mind by everything in my life.

I've never handled change well.. that would be the first thing my Mom would tell you if asked. So much has changed and continues to change in my life so quickly.. I just wish I could pull back on the reigns and slow it down a little. It's all coming at once.

I'm having one of those nights, where I examine myself really closely while listening to music that keeps me on the verge of tears. Why? Because I haven't cried.. I know I need to, and I want to, but I just can't. Even at Gina's viewing earlier tonight, I teared up a little, but I just couldn't cry.

I.. have always let a man define me. Even throughout the times I've been single, I always had a crush, or was dating someone sort of.. and right now, I am so flustered by moving, and school, and turning 25.. it's the first time in my life that I truly want no one right now. Sure, I will always have feelings for certain people (yes, plural) but I truly have no time for anyone right now, and that frightens and confuses me. Why? Because I've never had time in my life where I wasn't at least crushing on someone. Right now, as lonely as I am, I'm trying to avoid letting a man define who I am, and I'm trying to focus on me.. but I'll tell you what, I am so lonesome.

I'm tired of being the other woman. I want to be THE woman.. but I want to be that woman to a man who holds my interest for more than 2 weeks.. or isn't emotionally reserved. I just can't mentally cope with this anymore. I wanna be done with this game.. I don't want to date anymore. I've had enough. At what point do I get my happily ever after?