Guarded in my head for you, I can't get rid of these secrets.

I had a dream the other night that there was a flood.. and it had both of my parents in it.. and at one point, I got swept apart from them, but somehow made it back over. I'm pretty sure somehow (in my head) it was related to the sinkhole that occurred in my dream. I'm finding it a little tougher to find the meaning of sinkholes, but I can kinda guess. I read the meaning about the flood part of the dream and it freaked me out how much sense it made.

Psychological Meaning: Water symbolises the emotional side of the unconscious. To dream of a flood or being swept away by water, indicates that you feel emotionally overwhelmed. These dreams also hint at baptism and rebirth. The fertile, nourishing effect of floodwater may be implied. This dream could therefore represent the start of a new phase of life and renewed personal growth.

Tell me about it. Strange how our brain puts this stuff into symbols.

In addition, I've been dreaming vividly about another issue in my life.. I guess I can't really mention a lot about it since it seems to piss people off, but it seems my subconscious is just as confused as my consciousness. Every night it seems I have a dream showing me the real facts of what's going on, and I wake up feeling terribly sad and unappreciated, and I think, damn Steph, you're trying to tell yourself something here, but you just keep battling it. I don't know.. even while I'm awake right now I'm trying to come up with ways to discredit my subconscious. Blah. I have an awesome GPA and I go to school to look at small shit under a microscope, yet somehow I am the most stubborn person ever when it comes to trying to learn life lessons. Ugh.. okay, I need to get ready for work now. 12 hour shift ahead of me.. AGGGH.

thrills and chills.

it's funny to be accused of something, and no matter how much you fight it, you just can't convince the person that you're innocent. I guess it's not really funny, but at some point you just gotta chuckle out of sheer frustration.

That brings up another thought.. why is it, that human beings are so fond of pursuing something unobtainable, yet once obtained, it's become dull? Back to my rant about the thrill of the chase.. It frustrates the shit out of me when people do it to me, yet, I do it to people all the time. I wish I knew how to stop that, because I'm going to end up really lonely.

Maybe I should take up hunting or something.. maybe I need the hunt, but if I could redirect it.. agh, I can't kill things. Shit.

I have no more tears left for certain scenarios.. at this point, it's fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.. yet, I'm at fool me like, 40 times. Sometimes I even fool myself, so I don't ever know if I'm winning or losing. This isn't about ONE specific person, no, it's the same mistakes made over and over again with several different people. I just can't seem to kick some of these terrible habits. I don't even WANT anyone right now, but all I can think of is the thrill of the hunt. How sick is that? This is SHEER boredom. Like I don't have enough to occupy my time right now, why would I wanna throw this into the mix? Why would I be dialing half the number of my most recent ex to text him that I was thinking about him, or the reoccuring ex who always wants me and then all the sudden starts dating some "elle" girl only to go and eventually get bored with her.. Sure, I care about these people, but why don't I care enough to leave them alone to find happiness? And better yet, why do some of them continue to yoyo me around and provoke my nasty hunting game?

This.. this is why I'm done dating right now. I obviously have some serious issues going on, and I need to address them real soon before I end up a very lonely woman the rest of my life.

I just wish I hadn't fucked the last one up so bad.. because I really thought I had something. When will I ever learn from these mistakes?

Maybe I should start by getting on real medication. Yay for health insurance soon. Yay indeed.

Relationship Status: wtf.

Oh hey, I can answer that question confidently now... you know, the one about if I'm single or not? The answer is a definite yes now.

Two blogs, one day. I'm handling things poorly. How did I manage to mess up so badly this time? Back to a normal bitching point..

Relationships.. it always seems that the wrong people fall in love with me, and I hate to say it like that because I sound so stuck up and conceited, but it's the absolute truth.

In the fine words of a Mr. Dallas Green,

"So, why does it seem that every time I turn around somebody falls in love with me? This has never been my sole intention, and I have never claimed to have patents on such inventions."

..and the ones I'm all about are just so out of reach. The wrong people are falling in love with me, and every one of them says "But you're my soulmate!" No. If I were your soulmate, you'd be mine, and I know you're not, because I don't love you. End of story.

I'm floating off topic here. I seriously fucked up this time, and now I'm completely alone. I hurt one person, and then put a pin in the dream balloon of another. So what now? Binge drinking, sex with exes, and trips to far away places? Damn, I wish I were lacking a soul that much.. maybe partially, but not completely.. it just seems like the logical next step for someone who's shot themselves in both feet.

What the hell am I even talking about now? I should go home and go to bed.