Sleeping Sickness

I've had a lot of trouble sleeping lately.. the whole schedule being messed up due to working so late has kinda put a damper on my social life because I can't help but sleep late. I mean, I've always been a sleeper, yes, but this is terrible. I can't do it anymore, I'm so tired of sleeping my life away.. and it isn't even my fault. Damn genetics. I mean, I need almost 11 hours of sleep to feel somewhat okay.. factor in getting to sleep at 4 a.m. and damn, I'm lucky if I'm up by 12.. I hate it. Hate.

So, as I sit here, trying to get tired, I decided to take a xanex to help me sleep. I mean, I have the prescription, I might as well use it when I need it.. I just don't want to use it too much because I don't want to depend on it.. but damn, this is ridiculous. I need to sleep.. so it should kick in in about 10-15 minutes and I'll start getting loopy and probably pass out. I really need some quality sleep, because my body is suffering something fierce from exhaustion lately.

My Saturday night off was.. less than perfect. I was excited for it, but I had to work until late Friday night, then woke up early to go to my cousins bridal shower in North Jersey, then drove from there to my parents, back to my apartment, then ran out the door to see OK GO, caught the last 3 songs, then ran out of there to get to Alayna's birthday, which was nice until Izzy and her boyfriend failed to tell me important stuff. I dated Chuck's best friend when I was 18, way before I even knew Izzy.. and we haven't seen each other in years. Then Izzy starts dating Chuck and we find out we have that link.. well, turns out Chuck's best friend, the dude I dated, his wife HATES me. I've never even MET this girl, have no idea what she even looks like, and she hates me. I guess because I'm an ex and it's by default? I have no idea. I WAS 18! Well, everyone is at Alayna's in the hot tub, playing telephone (whisper down the lane, hysterical with beer involved) and well, that's all fun and stuff. I was sitting next to people I didn't know, thats fine, it was fun.

I get inside and say in conversation to Chuck, "you need to tell his wife I don't want her husband.. it's just silly that I can't come hang out with you guys because of someone I've never even posed the slightest threat to hating me for no reason" Chuck's reply? "Well, she was sitting next to you in the hot tub, I guess she might be warming up to you."

WHAT?! SHE WAS SITTING WHERE?! What if I had brought this up IN THE HOT TUB? Why didn't they tell me who she was?! They ASSUMED I knew it was her. NO! I mean, I could have gotten myself punched in the face and wouldn't have even known why this strange girl was hitting me! I was so angry that they neglected to tell me that she was sitting RIGHT NEXT TO ME. AWESOME. Thank you guys, that is awesome. So, for the rest of that time I was miffed that they hadn't informed me that someone who HATES my guts was sitting right next to me. Lovely! At least I was nice to her.. I mean, I have no reason not to be. I thought she was lovely actually.. I hate being hated. I actually didn't even do anything to warrant this hatred this time. I'm innocent!

So in addition, Chip had brought this new chick he's dating TO Alayna's.. and I guess I'm just super protective and possessive of him because he's my best friend, but this girl, she didn't even introduce herself. I stood right in front of her, talking to them several times, and she just stared at me. Granted, I didn't introduce myself to her either, but this is how I see it.. She's dating MY best friend, she gets to kiss MY ass. So she scored super low on the first impression test.. and shame on him for not even introducing her to me. Maybe he was afraid I'd break her hand when I shook it. I do shake hands like a sumo wrestler. Girls.. no, people with weak handshakes piss me off. Weak handshakes = weak personalities. Okay, so I know that's a dumb thing to rant about, but it annoyed the crap out of me anyway.

So then I decide, I'm leaving.. so Dave decides he's riding back to the city with me.. annnd on the way home, I hit a raccoon. I saw it, hit the brakes, then when I realized it was inevitable, I hit the gas, hoping it would just make it go quick for the little guy. I just held the steering wheel with huge saucer like eyes and Dave patted me on the shoulder and said "Most girls would have crashed the car and killed us both, I'm proud of you." Thanks Dave, I think maybe that made me feel better.. I just hope it was instantaneous. That was only my second road kill. The first was an opossum on 37 on the way back from Seaside. The girl in my passenger seat cried the entire way home and begged me to go back and help it. NO. IT HAS RABIES, IT WILL EAT US. IT'S DEAD. I didn't want to take the chance of knowing it was alive, then beating myself up watching it die. It was instantaneous, I'm sticking to that.

Okay, so, the Xanex has yet to kick in and I've written quite a bit.. so I guess I should just watch some Family Guy and try to doze off. Funny, I've seen all of these episodes so many times that I have most lines memorized.. but something about the mindless nature of it helps me relax.. brings back good memories too.. oh oh, I think I just got that tingly feeling in my head.. I think it might be show time.

I was going to stop typing, but something messed up just happened..

I posted a cute pic of me and my 2 roommates on facebook with a really nice caption about how pretty and sweet they are, and some girl just commented "you're the prettiest" WHAT THE FUCK? I deleted it right away, but Ash get's notifications sent to her phone, and that doesn't even include if they get email notifications or not.. so they'll both see it, and that's just awkward for all of us. Ugh, what a bitch ass thing to say. I mean, thank you, but DAMN, what about hurting their feelings?! People are such bastards. God, I hate people. My response to her on her wall.. "Much appreciated, but I had to delete that because I don't want anyone to have hurt feelings." That girl had to be told that that was inappropriate to write. Thats the shit about facebook I hate.. you can't approve comments. WHY?! Lord knows it'd be easier for certain people to delete the comments I leave them before they showed up and got someone's panties all wedged up.. but I digress. People suck. The internet ruins everything... in fact, one of those match sites says "1 in 5 relationships starts on the internet" Yeah, well, I wanna know how many the internet DESTROYS.. because lord knows that it's fucked up both of my most meaningful relationships. It's so easy for people to be shiesty.. Sometimes I wish social networking didn't exist. I think life was a lot better without it.. but even still, I use it day to day just like most everyone I know. We're slaves to these screens.

Damn, that just kinda soured my mood a little bit more.

I need.. NEED to go to the beach this week. I am fiending for the sand and the water and the sunshine.. I just need to be outside.. I just hope I can get someone to come with me.. everyone says they'll go and then they don't. I don't believe a word anyone says anymore.. all of my friends have been disappointing the shit out of me lately. And I never hold my breath when plans are suggested by romantic interests. They almost always flake out on me too.. seems like there's always something better going on for everyone. Maybe I'll just go alone. That might be okay.

Wow, this whole entry is kinda sad and angry. Definitely not how I wanted to end my one Saturday off in 3 months. Dammit, what the hell?

In happier news, Miranda and Dianna moved into G-Love's old apartment, and Miranda tweeted at him that she got one of his magazines in the mail and he's been responding to her. That's pretty effing cool. You go Mir :)

Happy thoughts, happy thoughts.. must have happy dreams.

ready, go.

Senor Cuervo, ouch.

Tonight was rough.

It started out with me taking a shower at my new place and having the shower curtain rod collapse on me. Guess the tiles don't like the tension rod.. so, that was the beginning.

I get to work, and all is well for a while.. most of the night actually.. did a bunch of shots, turned a bunch down.. and then one of my fellow bartenders got way too drunk, and everyone on my bar caught hell for it, even though the rest of us were FINE. So we all got our asses chewed out for someone else's incapacity to know their own limit. Awesome.

So I get back to my apartment to pick up my stuff before going back to Jersey (my bed isn't at the apt. yet) and I happen upon this plastic container with a bunch of stuff in it.. stuff I [thought I cleverly] hid from myself 2 years ago. Valentine's Day Card did me in. It was the most romantic thing I've read in so long.. in so few words, and I just lost it. I just bawled my eyes out without warning.. there were no sniffles, it was just an immediate Niagara Falls of tears. I don't know why we save this stuff.. is it to one day hope to look back and laugh.. or is it to look back and torture ourselves? I never knew he had the capacity to be that romantic.. especially in such few words. This was an hour ago, and my heart is still racing a little. Good thing my dog was here to wag his tail and be happy to see me when I got home, because I've been kind of a pathetic womanly mess since then. I wish I could stop feeling so bad for myself and just get the fuck over this, but for some reason, I just can't kick it. What.. the fuck. I have broken so many hearts without so much as a sideways glance backwards, yet, somehow.. I cannot kick this. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I've been informed that people apparently stalk my blog. Awesome. I didn't think anyone really knew about this. I never advertised it or anything.. I guess when people wanna find you, they really do their damnedest to find you.. either way, whatever. Hi, what's up. Enjoy the read.

So, I move in 2 days. I'm not ready.. not at all. My mind is so scattered.. I'm just not into this.. it's all working out so perfectly and smoothly for me.. but I'm just not finding myself excited about it. Actually, I'm finding that I'm more sad than anything.

This whole bipolar thing is doing me in like whoa this week.. I'm really excited about my health insurance.. now I can finally get medicine to specifically treat me, rather than just "making do" like I have been for the past 5 years. My life is changing so quickly.. and I feel like it's doing it without me, like I need to play catch up a little. Damn, I am really stressed the hell out.

Another random thought.. I need to stop breaking up with people before my birthday. It seems I always spend an asston of money for my boyfriend/whoever's birthday, and then something happens and I break up with them before my own. Someone needs to take me the hell out for my birthday.. maybe I'll just make Chip do it. Sigh. School needs to start so I can stop thinking about how lonely I am.. because I'm pathetic. Maybe I'll met a nice scientist.. or I'll fall madly in love with some hot doctor.. or.. I don't know. The greater good obviously has some sort of fucked up plan for me, so I might as well just roll with it.

I hope I don't get in more trouble for this blog.. apparently people get all bent out of shape when I write shit anymore.. thing is, I don't even know who is upset.. I just know someone hates me. Actually, I bet a lot of people hate me. That sucks. I don't like to be hated. I try to be peaceful with everyone.. but I guess you can't win them all.. especially the bitches who deserve to rot in hell. I think maybe this is the vodka talking now.. I had a bit of that tonight. More tequila than vodka, but vodka still existed somewhere in and amongst those 14 shots.

Holy shit, 14 shots.. I weight 112 pounds, why am I not obliterated?

I should go to bed now. Yeah.. here's hoping I don't get bitched at again.

Cheers, bitches.

dot dot dot

What is it about me.. that I.. Ugh.

I don't even know how to put my thoughts into words.. I feel like most of what I'm thinking is all images.. memories.. smells, sensations.. things that can be described in words, that is, if you're a terrific writer,.. or if I was in a better mood.. or if I wasn't abusing the "..." thing so much. I think I'll continue to abuse it. ...

I'm not feeling very strong lately.. maybe because I'm extra worried about school and money and moving.. and the fact that Diesel loves to run out the door and I don't want him to get lost in the big city.. then there's the city.. and the fear I have of the people lurking in the shadows. What is it about cities that attract so many awful people? Or maybe it's the same as the burbs, except that everyone is forced to live closer to each other.. doesn't spread out the evil as much as a backyard and a nice porch would. God, I wish I had a ton of money.

My head is all over the map. I haven't written since I was happy.. and even then, I deleted that post because I couldn't stand to read it after ending my last relationship. It still doesn't feel right, and I don't know if it ever will. It's hard to love someone so much, but be conscious that something is just missing.. it's so hard not to fall into old ways, and to be strong when all you want to do is snuggle up to them and fall asleep. I haven't really slept well in about three weeks.. maybe because even before I did this it was on my mind.. well, that and all the other shit going on.

How fair would it be of me to ask him to stand by my side as I stumble through the next 2 years? I'm not even sure about myself, let alone a man.. I just.. couldn't give him the attention he needed, and I fault myself for that mainly because of my indecisive nature. I feel as if.. whenever I finally get something, I suddenly lose interest.. or even not suddenly, maybe over time.. but that's not right. I complain about how I'm miserable when a man treats me like shit, but am I really? Or is that what I secretly want? Someone to act as if I'm not that important, to not fall all over me or love me deeply.. to put other things before me.. is that what I want deep down inside? Because those kind of men are the only ones who have ever held on to me for more than 6 months. The ones that acted like they could give 2 shits about me. How do I fix this about myself?

It was the hardest decision regarding another person I have ever had to make.. and every day, at some point or another, my eyes sting, and my cheeks get red, and I cry just a little bit, because as much as I know it was the right thing to do, I not only had to break his heart, I had to break my own.

No men. Not for a long time. I need to focus on me, and school, and money.. I can't be doing this when I'm in school.. and that's why I had to do it now.. because I knew I'd mourn this for weeks.. and I can't be that weak when I have to be in school.. I had to be smart this time.. I just have to keep reassuring myself..

I just wish I could sleep.