change is in the air

this is the first time.. in my life.. I've been completely scared out of my mind by everything in my life.

I've never handled change well.. that would be the first thing my Mom would tell you if asked. So much has changed and continues to change in my life so quickly.. I just wish I could pull back on the reigns and slow it down a little. It's all coming at once.

I'm having one of those nights, where I examine myself really closely while listening to music that keeps me on the verge of tears. Why? Because I haven't cried.. I know I need to, and I want to, but I just can't. Even at Gina's viewing earlier tonight, I teared up a little, but I just couldn't cry.

I.. have always let a man define me. Even throughout the times I've been single, I always had a crush, or was dating someone sort of.. and right now, I am so flustered by moving, and school, and turning 25.. it's the first time in my life that I truly want no one right now. Sure, I will always have feelings for certain people (yes, plural) but I truly have no time for anyone right now, and that frightens and confuses me. Why? Because I've never had time in my life where I wasn't at least crushing on someone. Right now, as lonely as I am, I'm trying to avoid letting a man define who I am, and I'm trying to focus on me.. but I'll tell you what, I am so lonesome.

I'm tired of being the other woman. I want to be THE woman.. but I want to be that woman to a man who holds my interest for more than 2 weeks.. or isn't emotionally reserved. I just can't mentally cope with this anymore. I wanna be done with this game.. I don't want to date anymore. I've had enough. At what point do I get my happily ever after?

dot dot dot

What is it about me.. that I.. Ugh.

I don't even know how to put my thoughts into words.. I feel like most of what I'm thinking is all images.. memories.. smells, sensations.. things that can be described in words, that is, if you're a terrific writer,.. or if I was in a better mood.. or if I wasn't abusing the "..." thing so much. I think I'll continue to abuse it. ...

I'm not feeling very strong lately.. maybe because I'm extra worried about school and money and moving.. and the fact that Diesel loves to run out the door and I don't want him to get lost in the big city.. then there's the city.. and the fear I have of the people lurking in the shadows. What is it about cities that attract so many awful people? Or maybe it's the same as the burbs, except that everyone is forced to live closer to each other.. doesn't spread out the evil as much as a backyard and a nice porch would. God, I wish I had a ton of money.

My head is all over the map. I haven't written since I was happy.. and even then, I deleted that post because I couldn't stand to read it after ending my last relationship. It still doesn't feel right, and I don't know if it ever will. It's hard to love someone so much, but be conscious that something is just missing.. it's so hard not to fall into old ways, and to be strong when all you want to do is snuggle up to them and fall asleep. I haven't really slept well in about three weeks.. maybe because even before I did this it was on my mind.. well, that and all the other shit going on.

How fair would it be of me to ask him to stand by my side as I stumble through the next 2 years? I'm not even sure about myself, let alone a man.. I just.. couldn't give him the attention he needed, and I fault myself for that mainly because of my indecisive nature. I feel as if.. whenever I finally get something, I suddenly lose interest.. or even not suddenly, maybe over time.. but that's not right. I complain about how I'm miserable when a man treats me like shit, but am I really? Or is that what I secretly want? Someone to act as if I'm not that important, to not fall all over me or love me deeply.. to put other things before me.. is that what I want deep down inside? Because those kind of men are the only ones who have ever held on to me for more than 6 months. The ones that acted like they could give 2 shits about me. How do I fix this about myself?

It was the hardest decision regarding another person I have ever had to make.. and every day, at some point or another, my eyes sting, and my cheeks get red, and I cry just a little bit, because as much as I know it was the right thing to do, I not only had to break his heart, I had to break my own.

No men. Not for a long time. I need to focus on me, and school, and money.. I can't be doing this when I'm in school.. and that's why I had to do it now.. because I knew I'd mourn this for weeks.. and I can't be that weak when I have to be in school.. I had to be smart this time.. I just have to keep reassuring myself..

I just wish I could sleep.

tick tock, tick tock..

I'm getting old.

Okay, not that old, but it's happening. I'm approaching 25 at light speed, and I'm freaking out.

I can remember lying in my bed, looking at the ceiling, sometime shortly after I had turned 23 and thinking "holy shit, in 2 years I'll be 25".. annnd well, THAT'S NOW.

It's bad enough that my metabolism has slowed a bit and it takes a little more to keep in shape, but the worst part is that it's popping up every where.. I pass a tanning place the other day and it says "Student Discount with Student ID!" and in fine print underneath it says "Must be 22 and Under". Well, fuck, I'm a student! I'm a damn good 3.5 GPA Super Hard Science Student, where's my skin cancer discount?! Then I go to the doctors recently and they say

"How old are you?"

"Oh, I'm 24"

"When will you be 25?"

"September."

"Oh great, then you can get your last free 24 and under routine chlamydia test! Perfect."

Right. Perfect, That's just what I said in my head. Just what I totally wanted to hear while lying in stirrups with my lady parts open to exposure.

Modeling casting calls are now geared more towards "18-24 year old women" so now I get to start lying about my age in order to get certain paid shoots. Awesome.

And as an added insult, every time I open facebook, someone has just given birth, gotten engaged/married, graduated, or started a new job in their career. Fuuuuck. Not that I wanna get married or have kids any time soon, but I feel like I might need to start seriously considering it since I'm no spring chicken. I know, I know, I'm not THAT old.. but let me wallow in self pity for a little bit, okay?

I'm just feeling really down on myself this past week. Money is tight (when is it not?), I'm looking for a place to live and coming up empty handed, and worried about how I'm going to afford it.. I just can't seem to catch a break. I love my job, but it hasn't picked up like everyone says it should, and the money isn't cutting it right now. I expected a whole lot more, but all I hear is "it was so different last year". DAMMIT. Why do I always go work at places AFTER they've hit their prime.. I never hear "wow, this is so much better than before". Really sucks.

I need to get a grip. This is ridiculous.

March 26, 2010 3:45 p.m.

I opened a word document to begin typing about loss.. but I’m at a loss for words. Irony? Probably not.

I don’t much understand my own thought pattern right now. I’m the one who ended it, and still, I feel like I got my heart broken, except.. I was the one that did the breaking of it. I broke my own heart this time. Of all the journal entries I wrote about love lost, and past relationships, this has got to be the weirdest one yet. In the past, when I’ve ended something, I’ve felt okay about it after, a sense of freedom, new opportunities, etc. but this time, I just feel empty. Which brings me to the question.. why?

I feel like.. I made a huge mistake, but at the same time, I’m trying to remember the reasons why. The little stuff that I can’t argue about, the things that just don’t work with me.. and I know about compromise, but I think it’s possible to love a lot of parts of someone, but not be good with others.. I’m pretty certain he thinks this is some grand scheme for me to go date someone else, but it’s not. I just.. I don’t have the mind power for it. I’m a different kind of person.. I like to devote my all to someone, but I can’t do that now. I can’t. I’m a mess about school, lack of a job, moving, new school.. I’m in such a transition, I just feel like I can’t devote that energy to anyone. I thought I was ready, but I wasn’t.. and somehow, in the process, I broke my own heart.

I can’t speak for him. I don’t know how he feels exactly. He could hate me for all I know.. and I don’t think I’d blame him. I just don’t feel as if I could have been what he needs.. I don’t think he would have ever trusted me, and I don’t blame him. I’m a secretive person, I’m a loner. I don’t like to share a lot of parts of myself with people, even though it may seem that way sometimes. Hell, only like 4 people even know this blog exists, but I guess, I feel like if a stranger in a similar situation stumbled upon it and read, maybe they wouldn’t feel so alone.

I haven’t really gotten out of bed yet. It’s 4 p.m. I just, I.. don’t even know what to say. I keep seeing things covered in 1111’s, and my eyes well up and I go “what the fuck am I doing?” and then I think as hard as I can.. and as stupid as this is, I go back to the lyrics from my favorite song, every sentence in it describes me. “I hope to learn as time goes by, That I should trust what's deep inside, Burning bright, oh burning bright, My sensible heart, my sensible heart.” and I can’t tell which part is deep inside.. is it breaking his heart because he doesn’t deserve to be lead on if I feel like he isn’t the one, or is it feeling like I messed up because he IS the one? Which part of it is the deepest? What the hell is going on in my head?

All I can think about is his perfect smile, and with that, I’ve begun to cry again.

the cycle.

If this is supposed to be good for me, then why does it hurt so bad?

Love, love, love (love, love)

Every so often I find myself falling in love with something.. a character, a real person, a song, some lyrics, a place, an animal, a hobby, an idea, a belief, a goal.. and as much as it's retarded, I blame it on being a Libra. I am in love with love.. and love to feel in love, to be passionate about things.. so when I see someone who is low on love, someone who feels unloved, or as if they're not going to gain love, I feel like my heart hurts for them, and then somehow, I fall in love with their plight. I can't say for sure if I briefly fall in love with them, or if it's just the idea of me alleviating their lovelessness, but I feel like if I were to act on these things, I'd do more damage than good, so I seldom do.

I guess, I feel as if the whole "it's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all" thing is kind of a mantra. Like, to introduce someone to love, whether it be a person, or a thing, or whatever.. and how good it feels.. but sometimes, as in the past (not in the present, relax) I feel as if I got so frustrated with these people not feeling the love, that I temporarily became the source of the love, just until I knew they felt it, and then I was gone.. so, I guess I kinda made it worse for a few people. They loved, were [sorta] loved, and then lost. I like.. pulled the carpet out from beneath them.. but it was all with good intentions.. like, hey, chin up, it happened once, why not again? It all goes back to one line from my favorite song ever "Behind this emotion there's a sensible heart". I always mean well, but sometimes it just comes out all extra backwards and retarded. I hope the people who's hearts I squashed at least could appreciate the "love" for when it was there.

This sounds retarded, but I know I mean well.. ehh... yeah, sounds retarded.

I found myself standing on his porch last night.. for 5 minutes, my hand an inch from knocking.. and I just couldn't do it. I'd driven over there without a plan, not even knowing what I'd say, and I stopped cold, so close to knocking because I didn't know what I'd do when he opened the door.. if.. he'd opened the door.

I just wanted things to be okay.. and as I stood there, I went over it all in my head, the things I did wrong, the things he did wrong, the things I did wrong again, and then the things he did wrong again.. and my own stupid pride kicked in after 5 minutes, thinking, I did nothing wrong this time, and I got mad again, and walked down the steps, and drove away.

So I get a mile down the road, and have to pull over. Something wouldn't let me drive towards home, but it wasn't enough to make me turn around.. so I sat in my car on the side of the road for 40 minutes, just staring.. finally, I decided I was too unprepared, too tired, and it was too late to even attempt to discuss things.. so I went home, took a xanex, and fell unconscious sleep until this morning.

What I don't get, is how everything got so fucked up again.. I didn't actually do anything wrong this time, and somehow THAT turned into something I DID do wrong.. but I feel so justified in why I didn't admit the stuff I turned out to be guilty of.. because it was such a weird ass topic.. why should I have to spill every minute detail of my life or my feelings right now? Can't SOME things be sacred?

All I know right now is that I lost someone I was falling really hard for.. and I feel like for the past 2 days I've been wandering around in a fog about it. Maybe it wasn't meant to be.. maybe it was a terrible idea all along.. maybe this is a message from the great beyond or something.. but it doesn't change the fact that it hurts so badly that I can't even eat. Maybe that's a good thing too.. I needed to lose weight anyway.. but this probably isn't the best approach.

I'm going to take a nap, my chest feels so tight, my cheeks are red, my eyes sting, my nose is stuffy, and I only feel good when I'm asleep.

Half psychotic, sick, hypnotic.

I tried to go to sleep.. and 30 seconds after taking my glasses off and resting my head on the pillow, my mind shot on.

The night's events were wicked.. all family crap. Details are unnecessary.. but I did take a Xanex, and I'm a little loopy. I feel like I need to write though. I can't put together any solid poetry right now, but I need something to flow from my mind, through my fingers, and onto this screen.

The pas 2 days.. I don't know how to think. I have so much on my plate right now, so much on my mind with school, and life, and now having issues with my dog.. I'm kind of a mess.

No one really reads my blog.. and I'm okay with it. I put it out there once or twice, and whoever managed to catch it when I threw it will see.. if they care enough to. Otherwise, I think I do this just for me. No, I'm sure I do this just for me.

So.. when I find someone I care a lot about, and things go sour, I learned that the best thing for me to do is eliminate every aspect of them from my life.. just so, you know, to get over them quicker. I found that when people just cut me off, I healed better, but when they wanted to remain as friends or continue to drag me on a false hope roller coaster for 6 months, I didn't get over them.. well, not until I cut all ties for a year. This is how I operate. It hurts me to do it, but this is how I do.. throbbing, aching loneliness and decreased appetite for a month or so is a hell of a lot better than living with a false hope that someone who you thought loved/liked/wanted you is gonna fix up and be all googly again.

My thing is, I've never been the one to fuck up before.

So I started to go into separation mode. I gave up hope, began to try to mentally check out, to zone out into anything other than him. Nope. He made it unbearably difficult for me to ignore him. I didn't hate him, not at all, I just had resigned to the fact that I fucked up, and I wasn't going to be forgiven.. so I began to cope. He wouldn't accept it.. but for some reason, I don't think he's accepted my apology either.

I gave in, and went to see him.. and, I don't know if who I went to see is the same person I've known for a few months now. The person I encountered was affectionate in ways toward me that I've never quite felt before. That sounds perverted, but it's not meant to be. Anyway, to make a long story even longer, I didn't think he was capable of missing me.. or even really having any emotion towards me. He was kind of cold for a while, and it made me question what I was doing, pretending that things were great, when only one of us was totally into the whole thing.

Regardless.. the issue in my mind is one of my my favorite quotes.. it's from the movie Love Affair..

"The trick in life isn't getting what you want, it's wanting it after you get it."

It's not me that I'm worried about.. Am I going to bore him? I just can't see how I completely believe how he's got this new found belief of how much he actually cares about me. I resigned myself to him not really giving much of a shit for over a month, convinced myself that he's still head over heels for his ex, and so I feel like I have my guard up a little. He doesn't trust me, hasn't really even accepted my apology, but had to see me, and talks about me to his friends..? Talks about ME? And missed ME? I just.. I guess I'm still in shock. The past 7 days has been like a continuous dream sequence.. from ok, to horrible, to better, to so so, to great, to amazing, to bad, to right now. Fuck.. I hate how I think so much.. and I hate how much I miss him already, even after overstaying with him for a good 26 or so hours.

I wonder if anyone reads this shit.. I don't foresee myself telling anyone about it again. I kind of like it as a hush hush thing.. it just makes me feel so much better to have it out there.. guess it's kind of like my own little postsecret.. just a lot more obvious.

I guess I'll try to sleep again.. damn, I thought Xanex was supposed to help you shut your anxiety off and sleep, not cause deep emotional ramblings. Ugh.

Friday night lights.

Huge plans tonight. No, not really.

Wound up at The Latest Dish for food with Dave, Joe, Ian, Chris, Wally, Markus, and a bunch of random hipsters who's names I couldn't remember half way through their introduction to me. Dave and I each consumed the worlds most unhealthy mac and cheese, rendering us useless for the rest of the night. Soo.. him, Chris, Joe and I headed back to fort awesome and watched Zombieland. Score.

Rest of my day was kind of useless. Didn't do anything constructive.. and that's probably because I'm having a super hard time concentrating on menial tasks right now. I'm sorta just starting things and then abandoning them before they're even completely started. Basically, I'm having a lot of ideas, and not acting on them. Damn, this needs to stop.

I wrote a bunch last night. My thoughts are all jumbled up though.. they aren't coming out competent.. it's all choppy and unorganized, which can be pretty poetic all in itself, but this, well this is just sad. It's like I'm writing poetry with tourettes.. it's just sloppy and random. Focus exercises? HAR. Funny. Me.. focus.. hahhhh.

So, I have an ass ton of homework to do tomorrow before I go in for the shift of hell at work. I'm so tired of being in the hospitality industry. I hate most people so much.

At the risk of sounding repetitive, someone come and hide under the covers with me.. please?

Oh hay, shallow here!

Vanity.

I.. am so vain. I realized this while sitting next to my best friend on the couch, who also is very vain, but I love her.

I signed up for these dating sites a while back mostly because I was so sick of the bar scene, and wanting to avoid the bullshit part of dating. I wanted to basically see a profile of someone, and some pictures and tell if I was attracted or not.. okay, not quite in that order.

I've met a total of 4 people. The first one.. just.. no. Just.. no. The second one had some sort of trolling for ass agenda and I wasn't all about that, the third one I fell for really hard, and then he got disinterested, so I met the 4th, and then found out the 3rd actually cared, and then lied to him, and.. well, that brings us to the last few blog entries.

Anyway.. the only reason I met these people is because they passed my personal tests.

1.) Am I physically attracted? Yes. Yes I am.

2.) Teeth good? Yup.

3.) Funny? Seems that way (although 2 out of the 4 were not actually very funny.. it was more just annoying)

4.) Intriguing, mysterious, alluring, sexually charged? Again, 2 out of 4.. but one being the troll for ass everywhere one, so that didn't happen.

ANYWAY, out of these 4, only one went past the first meeting.. but point being, I get an ASSSSSSLOAD of messages daily.. and none of these people measure up to my standards. I am so god damn picky its retarded.

How am I ever going to find someone and fall in love and live happily ever after if I'm tearing people apart for eyes that are set too far apart, or a bad jawline? (I thank my best friend for introducing me to the appreciation of jawlines) Who am I to judge? I mean, I'm not perfect, not by any means.. but I've gone so long just sorta dating for personality, and then finding that I couldn't hold interest in a person because I wasn't physically attracted. So where are all of the good looking people with personalities and brains? Oh wait, a lot of them are dating ugly dumb people. God dammit. Wow, I sound shallow.

This is me being shallow. Probably because I had all those things I said I wanted in a guy, and then I fucked up. I don't foresee myself getting over this regret for a while. I just keep kicking myself for it because it's so hard to find all of this stuff in one person.. efff em ell.

Okay, done being vain and shallow for tonight.