What I am to you, you do not need.

"Falsehood is easy, truth so difficult." – George Eliot

Lying.

I’m sorry, but we all do it. Every single one of us. White lies at least. Lately though, mine have been pretty black, and I got caught.

So why is it that I lie? Why does anyone lie?

This past time, I did it in some sort of skewed attempt at protecting the other person’s peace of mind or feelings. Of course, when it backfired, I looked like a huge asshole and that whole “protect the feelings” part looked like it never existed. Man, I rationalize things all kinds of weird like.

I think we lie to avoid the awkwardness, but in the process we always make everything worse. You get so deep into a lie that you can’t pick yourself out, and I admit, I don’t have the courage in that situation to swallow my pride and admit defeat. I hate to lose. Hate it so much, I’ll go down burning.

My life lately has been such a blur. I don’t know where I’m at, how I’m going to get things done, and who I wanna drag along with me. In the process though, I seem to be alienating some important people, and I just don’t know how I feel about it. Am I remorseful for my sins over the past 2 years? Not quite.. and that’s the problem. Where is my conscience? When did I stop caring how everyone felt (as a whole) and start cutting people down emotionally? When did I become so disenchanted? Oh wait.. now I recall. But what does that even matter anymore? It doesn’t affect me in relation to the person, but the whole scenario, it lingers. I don’t think I’ve really felt anything since that happened. Just kinda.. floating through life and letting things happen. Where is my remorse? Maybe I’m just in shock. God, I hate when I lose.

So where do I stand now with the person I hurt? There was a deep feeling there from my end, I guess, one I didn’t feel was reciprocated, so maybe that’s why I broke down and moved on. Maybe I’m not cut out for this stuff for a while. I finally found a person that challenged me mentally, put me in my place.. and damn, was I put in my place. I feel like if I had a tail it’d definitely be in between my legs. This is just it though, if anything, I guess I care more now, because someone called me out on my bullshit. No one ever has the courage to do that with me, so I have no idea to handle it when it happens. I get super defensive, as most would. I’m really not used to this whole defeat thing.. where do I go from here? What’s my next move? Or is the next move not even mine?