Mid-20s crisis.

Man, it’s been a wacky past several days.

I feel like everything is flip flopped again in my life. Everything I thought I was sure about is so uncertain again.. lemme put it like this. I feel like someone punched me in the head, threw me in a trunk, and left me in the middle of a field, blindfolded and bound.

I have no idea which way to go, how to get out of my bindings, and who to trust.

I also feel like it sucks that I have to kind of censor myself on here, in fear of offending a “friend” or whatever. I also wish I could post some of my poetry, but I’d be afraid some little asshole would rip it off and call it their own. I feel like the only person in a long time that I shared a connection with is foreign to me all over again.. The one that got me started writing again. I mean, I have people who appreciate my words, but I feel like my muse is dead. Out of disappointment, I am so apathetic to the person who was once my muse, that I’m finding it hard to write all over again. Why can’t I be my own muse?

..Is that even possible?

My right index finger tip has been numb going on 12 days now, and I’m kind of worried about it. I thought maybe I burnt it when I was tanked on NYE, but I’m starting to think it may be a lot more serious. It’s tough to type, tough to count money, put garnish on fruit, press buttons, hold the trigger on my mace.. I’m right handed, so I’m worried. I mean, it doesn’t hurt like it did at first, but it’s STILL numb.

School starts soon. I’m scared shitless of Organic Chemistry. Shitless. Worse off, I find out if I got into TJU before the end of the month. I’m preparing for the worst, yet trying to remain optimistic..? It’s such a weird combination, but everyone keeps telling me to not get my hopes up since I’m a little white girl in the science field. I’m not really anything “racially special”. I just don’t know what I’m going to do if I don’t get in.. I don’t know where I go from here.. but if I don’t get in, I don’t know if I was meant to be in the science field. Maybe I was supposed to be doing something artsy..? I mean, I love music, art, writing.. but I can only do one of the three of those, and even still, I’m not real into properly using adverbs and crap. I don’t know what to feel, I just wanna find out soon so I can get on with my life. Ugh, effing organic chemistry.

It’s late. I’m still up. I don’t wanna sleep.. I have so much on my mind. I hate that when I’m alone, I can’t get to bed.. I just sit up and wonder “what if..” or “should I..” or pick anything.. I think about all the stuff I need to do tomorrow, and then I fall asleep late, wake up late because my body needs extra sleep, and then the day is gone, and I’m depressed all over.

GOD I HATE WINTER TIME SO MUCH.

So on top of my thoughts tonight, I got a text from an ex boyfriend of mine.. I broke the man’s heart, not once, but twice.. first when I was 18, in college the first time, and next when I was 23, last May or so.. I just knew that it wasn’t right, and it wasn’t fair for me to lead him on.. but all of us can admit, we never really want certain exes to “get over us” I don’t know how to word all of this because I don’t know how I feel about it all exactly. Basically, the girl he was seeing prior to me last year was pregnant with his child.. and the story is still patchy to me, but she’s due this March. I know he’s scared.. and I honestly can’t say I feel too badly.. because someone should have taken a precaution. Birth control, condoms, something. I mean, hell, I’m on birth control.. but this girl, she was a psycho apparently, so she probably did one of those “NEVER LEAVE MEEEE” get pregnant things. Anyway, I guess I’m a little.. I can’t say sad, or mad, or.. I don’t know what word to use other than “affected” by this news. I care about him, always will, but I know he isn’t the one.. yet, why am I kind of sad? Is it that I secretly enjoyed his incessant obsession with me for the past 6 years? Or is it that I’m jealous..? No, couldn’t be, I don’t want a kid now.. especially with someone I’m not in love with.. so what is it that I’m feeling? Why do I feel particularly heavy about the situation?

I suppose it’s a possibility that I’m afraid of getting older.. all of my friends, we’re not teenagers anymore. We’re not in our early 20s.. we’re mid 20’s, late 20’s, early 30’s.. we’re adults. Some of us are in our forever job, some of us have been laid off from that job, some are in school, some are recently engaged or married, kids on the way, kids planned.. We’re expected to grow up, get real jobs, find our true love, have a family, and work out the rest of our days in monotony… I think I’m sad because I’m scared. I’m absolutely terrified about how quickly my life is passing me by, and depressed by how much of it I sleep away.. not because I want to, but because I have to.

Pull back the reigns.. I’m not ready to gallop yet.. where is this life going, and who am I going to see it through with? This is what goes through my head when I’m alone in my bed at 4:37 a.m.

Someone come hide under the covers with me.