dot dot dot

What is it about me.. that I.. Ugh.

I don't even know how to put my thoughts into words.. I feel like most of what I'm thinking is all images.. memories.. smells, sensations.. things that can be described in words, that is, if you're a terrific writer,.. or if I was in a better mood.. or if I wasn't abusing the "..." thing so much. I think I'll continue to abuse it. ...

I'm not feeling very strong lately.. maybe because I'm extra worried about school and money and moving.. and the fact that Diesel loves to run out the door and I don't want him to get lost in the big city.. then there's the city.. and the fear I have of the people lurking in the shadows. What is it about cities that attract so many awful people? Or maybe it's the same as the burbs, except that everyone is forced to live closer to each other.. doesn't spread out the evil as much as a backyard and a nice porch would. God, I wish I had a ton of money.

My head is all over the map. I haven't written since I was happy.. and even then, I deleted that post because I couldn't stand to read it after ending my last relationship. It still doesn't feel right, and I don't know if it ever will. It's hard to love someone so much, but be conscious that something is just missing.. it's so hard not to fall into old ways, and to be strong when all you want to do is snuggle up to them and fall asleep. I haven't really slept well in about three weeks.. maybe because even before I did this it was on my mind.. well, that and all the other shit going on.

How fair would it be of me to ask him to stand by my side as I stumble through the next 2 years? I'm not even sure about myself, let alone a man.. I just.. couldn't give him the attention he needed, and I fault myself for that mainly because of my indecisive nature. I feel as if.. whenever I finally get something, I suddenly lose interest.. or even not suddenly, maybe over time.. but that's not right. I complain about how I'm miserable when a man treats me like shit, but am I really? Or is that what I secretly want? Someone to act as if I'm not that important, to not fall all over me or love me deeply.. to put other things before me.. is that what I want deep down inside? Because those kind of men are the only ones who have ever held on to me for more than 6 months. The ones that acted like they could give 2 shits about me. How do I fix this about myself?

It was the hardest decision regarding another person I have ever had to make.. and every day, at some point or another, my eyes sting, and my cheeks get red, and I cry just a little bit, because as much as I know it was the right thing to do, I not only had to break his heart, I had to break my own.

No men. Not for a long time. I need to focus on me, and school, and money.. I can't be doing this when I'm in school.. and that's why I had to do it now.. because I knew I'd mourn this for weeks.. and I can't be that weak when I have to be in school.. I had to be smart this time.. I just have to keep reassuring myself..

I just wish I could sleep.