March 26, 2010 3:45 p.m.

I opened a word document to begin typing about loss.. but I’m at a loss for words. Irony? Probably not.

I don’t much understand my own thought pattern right now. I’m the one who ended it, and still, I feel like I got my heart broken, except.. I was the one that did the breaking of it. I broke my own heart this time. Of all the journal entries I wrote about love lost, and past relationships, this has got to be the weirdest one yet. In the past, when I’ve ended something, I’ve felt okay about it after, a sense of freedom, new opportunities, etc. but this time, I just feel empty. Which brings me to the question.. why?

I feel like.. I made a huge mistake, but at the same time, I’m trying to remember the reasons why. The little stuff that I can’t argue about, the things that just don’t work with me.. and I know about compromise, but I think it’s possible to love a lot of parts of someone, but not be good with others.. I’m pretty certain he thinks this is some grand scheme for me to go date someone else, but it’s not. I just.. I don’t have the mind power for it. I’m a different kind of person.. I like to devote my all to someone, but I can’t do that now. I can’t. I’m a mess about school, lack of a job, moving, new school.. I’m in such a transition, I just feel like I can’t devote that energy to anyone. I thought I was ready, but I wasn’t.. and somehow, in the process, I broke my own heart.

I can’t speak for him. I don’t know how he feels exactly. He could hate me for all I know.. and I don’t think I’d blame him. I just don’t feel as if I could have been what he needs.. I don’t think he would have ever trusted me, and I don’t blame him. I’m a secretive person, I’m a loner. I don’t like to share a lot of parts of myself with people, even though it may seem that way sometimes. Hell, only like 4 people even know this blog exists, but I guess, I feel like if a stranger in a similar situation stumbled upon it and read, maybe they wouldn’t feel so alone.

I haven’t really gotten out of bed yet. It’s 4 p.m. I just, I.. don’t even know what to say. I keep seeing things covered in 1111’s, and my eyes well up and I go “what the fuck am I doing?” and then I think as hard as I can.. and as stupid as this is, I go back to the lyrics from my favorite song, every sentence in it describes me. “I hope to learn as time goes by, That I should trust what's deep inside, Burning bright, oh burning bright, My sensible heart, my sensible heart.” and I can’t tell which part is deep inside.. is it breaking his heart because he doesn’t deserve to be lead on if I feel like he isn’t the one, or is it feeling like I messed up because he IS the one? Which part of it is the deepest? What the hell is going on in my head?

All I can think about is his perfect smile, and with that, I’ve begun to cry again.