I found myself standing on his porch last night.. for 5 minutes, my hand an inch from knocking.. and I just couldn't do it. I'd driven over there without a plan, not even knowing what I'd say, and I stopped cold, so close to knocking because I didn't know what I'd do when he opened the door.. if.. he'd opened the door.

I just wanted things to be okay.. and as I stood there, I went over it all in my head, the things I did wrong, the things he did wrong, the things I did wrong again, and then the things he did wrong again.. and my own stupid pride kicked in after 5 minutes, thinking, I did nothing wrong this time, and I got mad again, and walked down the steps, and drove away.

So I get a mile down the road, and have to pull over. Something wouldn't let me drive towards home, but it wasn't enough to make me turn around.. so I sat in my car on the side of the road for 40 minutes, just staring.. finally, I decided I was too unprepared, too tired, and it was too late to even attempt to discuss things.. so I went home, took a xanex, and fell unconscious sleep until this morning.

What I don't get, is how everything got so fucked up again.. I didn't actually do anything wrong this time, and somehow THAT turned into something I DID do wrong.. but I feel so justified in why I didn't admit the stuff I turned out to be guilty of.. because it was such a weird ass topic.. why should I have to spill every minute detail of my life or my feelings right now? Can't SOME things be sacred?

All I know right now is that I lost someone I was falling really hard for.. and I feel like for the past 2 days I've been wandering around in a fog about it. Maybe it wasn't meant to be.. maybe it was a terrible idea all along.. maybe this is a message from the great beyond or something.. but it doesn't change the fact that it hurts so badly that I can't even eat. Maybe that's a good thing too.. I needed to lose weight anyway.. but this probably isn't the best approach.

I'm going to take a nap, my chest feels so tight, my cheeks are red, my eyes sting, my nose is stuffy, and I only feel good when I'm asleep.