Half psychotic, sick, hypnotic.

I tried to go to sleep.. and 30 seconds after taking my glasses off and resting my head on the pillow, my mind shot on.

The night's events were wicked.. all family crap. Details are unnecessary.. but I did take a Xanex, and I'm a little loopy. I feel like I need to write though. I can't put together any solid poetry right now, but I need something to flow from my mind, through my fingers, and onto this screen.

The pas 2 days.. I don't know how to think. I have so much on my plate right now, so much on my mind with school, and life, and now having issues with my dog.. I'm kind of a mess.

No one really reads my blog.. and I'm okay with it. I put it out there once or twice, and whoever managed to catch it when I threw it will see.. if they care enough to. Otherwise, I think I do this just for me. No, I'm sure I do this just for me.

So.. when I find someone I care a lot about, and things go sour, I learned that the best thing for me to do is eliminate every aspect of them from my life.. just so, you know, to get over them quicker. I found that when people just cut me off, I healed better, but when they wanted to remain as friends or continue to drag me on a false hope roller coaster for 6 months, I didn't get over them.. well, not until I cut all ties for a year. This is how I operate. It hurts me to do it, but this is how I do.. throbbing, aching loneliness and decreased appetite for a month or so is a hell of a lot better than living with a false hope that someone who you thought loved/liked/wanted you is gonna fix up and be all googly again.

My thing is, I've never been the one to fuck up before.

So I started to go into separation mode. I gave up hope, began to try to mentally check out, to zone out into anything other than him. Nope. He made it unbearably difficult for me to ignore him. I didn't hate him, not at all, I just had resigned to the fact that I fucked up, and I wasn't going to be forgiven.. so I began to cope. He wouldn't accept it.. but for some reason, I don't think he's accepted my apology either.

I gave in, and went to see him.. and, I don't know if who I went to see is the same person I've known for a few months now. The person I encountered was affectionate in ways toward me that I've never quite felt before. That sounds perverted, but it's not meant to be. Anyway, to make a long story even longer, I didn't think he was capable of missing me.. or even really having any emotion towards me. He was kind of cold for a while, and it made me question what I was doing, pretending that things were great, when only one of us was totally into the whole thing.

Regardless.. the issue in my mind is one of my my favorite quotes.. it's from the movie Love Affair..

"The trick in life isn't getting what you want, it's wanting it after you get it."

It's not me that I'm worried about.. Am I going to bore him? I just can't see how I completely believe how he's got this new found belief of how much he actually cares about me. I resigned myself to him not really giving much of a shit for over a month, convinced myself that he's still head over heels for his ex, and so I feel like I have my guard up a little. He doesn't trust me, hasn't really even accepted my apology, but had to see me, and talks about me to his friends..? Talks about ME? And missed ME? I just.. I guess I'm still in shock. The past 7 days has been like a continuous dream sequence.. from ok, to horrible, to better, to so so, to great, to amazing, to bad, to right now. Fuck.. I hate how I think so much.. and I hate how much I miss him already, even after overstaying with him for a good 26 or so hours.

I wonder if anyone reads this shit.. I don't foresee myself telling anyone about it again. I kind of like it as a hush hush thing.. it just makes me feel so much better to have it out there.. guess it's kind of like my own little postsecret.. just a lot more obvious.

I guess I'll try to sleep again.. damn, I thought Xanex was supposed to help you shut your anxiety off and sleep, not cause deep emotional ramblings. Ugh.