thrills and chills.

it's funny to be accused of something, and no matter how much you fight it, you just can't convince the person that you're innocent. I guess it's not really funny, but at some point you just gotta chuckle out of sheer frustration.

That brings up another thought.. why is it, that human beings are so fond of pursuing something unobtainable, yet once obtained, it's become dull? Back to my rant about the thrill of the chase.. It frustrates the shit out of me when people do it to me, yet, I do it to people all the time. I wish I knew how to stop that, because I'm going to end up really lonely.

Maybe I should take up hunting or something.. maybe I need the hunt, but if I could redirect it.. agh, I can't kill things. Shit.

I have no more tears left for certain scenarios.. at this point, it's fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.. yet, I'm at fool me like, 40 times. Sometimes I even fool myself, so I don't ever know if I'm winning or losing. This isn't about ONE specific person, no, it's the same mistakes made over and over again with several different people. I just can't seem to kick some of these terrible habits. I don't even WANT anyone right now, but all I can think of is the thrill of the hunt. How sick is that? This is SHEER boredom. Like I don't have enough to occupy my time right now, why would I wanna throw this into the mix? Why would I be dialing half the number of my most recent ex to text him that I was thinking about him, or the reoccuring ex who always wants me and then all the sudden starts dating some "elle" girl only to go and eventually get bored with her.. Sure, I care about these people, but why don't I care enough to leave them alone to find happiness? And better yet, why do some of them continue to yoyo me around and provoke my nasty hunting game?

This.. this is why I'm done dating right now. I obviously have some serious issues going on, and I need to address them real soon before I end up a very lonely woman the rest of my life.

I just wish I hadn't fucked the last one up so bad.. because I really thought I had something. When will I ever learn from these mistakes?

Maybe I should start by getting on real medication. Yay for health insurance soon. Yay indeed.