questionable dance methods

So Isl and Jhn put a lot into hands and knees this time.. more so than ever before because they changed the location and the normal date.. barbary, saturday, not mroom, friday.. they got lasers, and doubled the sound system, hired shot girls.. and here's the kicker.. they hired gogo dancers. Gay ones. Gay boys as Isl puts it. Al I could do was sit here and laugh and shake my head. These are two of the least gay men I know, and I can only imagine them picking out gay men to dance all over the god damn Barbary. THE BARBARY. Where people are already questionable.. hahahahahaha. It's ridiculous! I love it! I was just lying down in bed, chuckling.. almost uncontrollably at the thought.. so much so that I had to type this. Hands and Knees really is one of my favorite memories of my 20s so far.. and it just keeps getting even better. I can't wait to see what they did with the place. And as a side note, I better have a god damned laser ring on my finger tomorrow night. Let's see if Isl comes through on that.. not holding my breath. I think the man is completely burnt out.. his sentences aren't even making much sense the past 2 days.. but as a future note to self, he says coconut water helps cure hangovers. MUST TRY THIS.

Also, I need a new dress. I think I said that last night.. Ash, Cara, and I are going to KOP to get something to wear. Not that I have any money, but since I literally woke up one day and decided I hated my entire wardrobe and gave 80% of it away to good will and people, I kinda need to start rebuilding the collection.

I hope Cara is as impressed with h&k as Ash and I keep making it out to be.. granted, Tigerbeats is similar.. bur without the lasers, shot girls, gay men gogo dancers, loudness, and debauchery.. so, I guess it's not really the same at all.

God, I love me. I love my life right now. I just wish I had more money. Breaking up with the ex so I didn't destroy his life, and could regain a sense of sanity, and moving away from Jersey may have been the two best decisions I've made in years.. I really do feel like I started a new chapter of my life.. and the best part is, I have no idea where the hell it's going.. how exciting, right?! Now.. I really should focus on getting rid of this cough that I've had since the end of June.. oh, and sleep. I should do that first. Like, now.

aye papi..

I don't know if there's much worse than finding photos of your ex strewn about your phone.. in this case, I was more angry about it all. I was mad that my phone was being slow as shit, and I blamed it on the 97 photos of him in my phone that I'd been too lazy and angry to confront and delete. So rather than going to sleep, I ONE BY ONE deleted each photo, snickering a bit at my thought process with each "tap" of the delete button. It felt good to free up some of that space for some much more worthy MUSIC. He never liked music. Who doesn't like music? Seriously, you only get a pass on that if you're deaf. Whatever. Lame.

I'm up still. Went to Night Train tonight at KFN with Ash and her.. whatever that dude is to her. Met Dave there, and as soon as he walked in, Ash peaced out, and it was me and Dave at the booth.. from that point on our booth was like a god damn revolving door of hot guys that my roommates should have stayed to hit on, but I digress. Dave and I got to catch up on a lot, which is cool because I never get to talk to him one on one anymore without worrying that one of us will offend someone with our very bold opinions.. he doesn't care, I kinda do. That's just Dave though.

Isl had walked in behind Ash, dude, and I, and literally almost ran me over to get in.. he looked like someone had just killed his puppy, and he was angry and sad. That's what happens when you have to do "the meetup" with your ex to get all of your shit back. It's never pleasant. At least his isn't throwing rocks at his window.. yet. Anyway, after he set up his stuff and simmered down a bit, he came and hung out with Dave and I.. and somehow like 35 other people flocked to the booth and we had people sitting on the table, behind the table, someone's hot girlfriend in my lap.. I think if I swung both ways this would have been like a dream come true.. but I digress, again. He seemed more at ease once he was surrounded by all of his friends and shit.. Actually, come to think of it.. who the hell was djing the whole time if all of them were sitting with us for like 15 minutes? Mysterious. Oh, and to go completely off the subject once more, I finally confirmed that it was indeed Cat Power that Greg Foreman was a part of. No shit. I shazamed one of their songs once. Hooray for shazam.. and boo to Gregg for not being in Cat Power anymore. I think that's a boo. I don't know. I'm probably wrong. Whatever he wants it to be, yay or boo. Pick one Greg. You don't even read this. Nevermind. I need sleep.

Anyway, it was a quiet night. I didn't get black out drunk this time which is really a step up from last Thursday night. Had a few beers and then Mr. Jaffe walked me the whole 2.5 blocks back home just before the night ended.. and I still can't sleep. Been coughing my brains out again.. I've had this cough since early July. I know there's something seriously wrong with me.. it just keeps coming back with a vengeance. I just hope I don't get anyone else in the house sick. I guess they would've been by now though then, right?

Work later today, blah. Money has sucked so hard there lately. I'm really sick of making shitty money. I hope I get this job bartending at the penthouse club. Not my most ideal place to make drinks, but whatever. It is what it is.Saturday, dress shopping with the ladies.. because I just woke up one day and hated my entire wardrobe, so I have no dress to wear. Well, I like some of the ones I have, but I've been wearing the hell out of them lately. I just want to live in dresses forever. I hate pants so much. I put them on today for like 3 minutes and said, hell no, this isn't happening and changed immediately. Anyway, I need something tight and sassy for h&k. After all, it's kind of a fashion show of sorts, and I'm actually on display this time.. sorta.. kinda.. yeah. Anyway, Isl better come through on saving those crazy laser rings for me and the ladies. I think it's only fair that I be allowed to shoot lasers out of my fingers while dancing. I can't imagine you'd disagree. Who are you anyway? And why do I suddenly smell stale cheese curls? Holy shit, I need to go to bed.

Nostalgia 101

The internet has made it so much easier to torture yourself.. but I'll get back to that point later.

So, I just moved.. and I've gotten sick of stacked tupperware containers full of stuff. Today I decided to go through some of it.. to see what I wanted to decorate with, and what could go back into storage.

My last move.. was abrupt. I had a little less than 4 hours to move every object out of my apartment and into a truck and a van.. with no prior packing. This meant my mom, dad, cousin, and I ran in and just started throwing things into boxes.. the only things that got wrapped somewhat carefully were my dishes and glassware. Everything else was just scattered into whatever containers we had.

So, to get to the point.. I found a lot of old photos.. and an old box with the most amazing incense sort of scent.. with a necklace in it.. with a note. It's amazing the things that come rushing back with just a smell. They say smell is the strongest of the senses when it comes to triggering memory. I believe it. I could smell my life back in 2005.. but this time, I wasn't smelling the hatred, the heartache, the week without eating, the betrayal.. I was smelling how happy I was at one point. It's hard to remember those times.. and while I'm no where in love with Ryan anymore, it was nice to remember how alive I felt, not because I was so incredibly sad, but when I was so incredibly in love. I've only felt that twice.. the so happy, and so in love part.. otherwise, the heartache usually trumps it all. Most people feel most alive when they're hurting inside.. and I agree. I always have.. but there are 2 times I've been so happy in love that I felt unstoppable.. until it all went wrong.. and both, ruined in some way or another by the internet.

I went through the notes, looked at the pictures.. some of the little knick knacks I had at my old place.. things that made me smile and clutch it to my chest for just a moment with a bit of a nostalgic, hopeless romantic sigh.. and then I put most of it back in it's storage spot so I could rediscover it again a bit down the line and sigh all over again.

Fast forward through my night. I'd tried not to get my hopes up about plans that were loosely discussed yesterday. I just knew that I'd get blown off.. some things never change.. but alas, I sat here, disappointed. My roommates weren't up for going out tonight (since they go out most other nights.. except.. I was off tonight for a change, and nothing panned out).. and I kind of came up with nothing to do. There's no one I really much wanted to see with the exception of one, and I knew from the moment the loose and never solidified plans were put on the table that they would never come to fruition.

Back to the part about the internet allowing immediate torture. Women.. we all do it, all the time. When we're hurting, or missing, or wanting.. we torture ourselves even more with memories. We seek out reasons to make ourselves even more pathetic and sad.. and thus, I went through some more old pictures.. not many, mind you. I don't have my external drive at the new place, and I had to get them off my computer in fear of my last ex setting my computer on fire if he discovered I'd kept them.. but the few I could find, on the internet.. there was this warm and sort of tingly feeling that went from my inner thighs, and straight up through my chest and to my head. It could have been sexual, who knows.. but I think it was more of a deep absorption of the images.. a deep meditation into these old memories.. remembering every single detail of those moments.. and some of the things that were said or done.. it's amazing how a photo can bring back as much as an entire chapter of your life, or as minute as the way their lips felt against yours when you went in for a small peck on the lips, and they drunkenly grabbed your entire face and made out with you across a table. These are the memories that men never remember.. these are the memories that only us women hold on to.. the gestures, the glances.. the words, the moments when you could actually see the love in their eyes, the moments when they didn't say I love you, but the twinkle in their eye, and the slightly trembling of their lips made it clear. Being a woman allows for those extra memories. It's a blessing, and it's a curse.. depending on where you stand with the person when you recall upon the memory.

I never thought someone could disappoint me so many times, and for so long. Love creates denial. It creates the idea that people will change, "It was just this once, this second time, this 93rd time.." love causes us to create an excuse for them each and every time they break our hearts. Whether it be with cruel words, a cold shoulder, or a knock down the priority ladder.. somehow, when we're in love, we always create excuses for why they don't seem to care.

My question.. for myself.. is how many years does it take to learn a lesson? How many failed attempts will it take to get angry.. for good? I don't know if I'll ever have the strength to let go, and that scares the hell out of me. The worst part is that the idea that "one sided love is obsession" was pounded into my head by this very same person.. and now I just feel psychotic. I know that's not right.. it's possible to be in love with someone and they don't return it.. but I don't think it's obsession.. or is it? I can't quite decide now that I type it out. Is he right? Am I obsessed? I hate to think of it that way, because it's made me fear falling in love.. I just don't understand.. there are a few very handsome and sweet guys that I completely blow off without a second thought, because all I want is the one who doesn't want me. I feel like that's all people ever want.. the unobtainable.

I suppose I should stop going on and on about this.. It's so childish at this point.. to be stuck in this loop..

As a side note.. I still wonder who reads this.. and if they even read the entire thing. Well, whatever. I can feel myself getting overtired.. so I guess it's time to call this quits.

Tomorrow is a new day.. but this isn't over. It's never over.

Sleeping Sickness

I've had a lot of trouble sleeping lately.. the whole schedule being messed up due to working so late has kinda put a damper on my social life because I can't help but sleep late. I mean, I've always been a sleeper, yes, but this is terrible. I can't do it anymore, I'm so tired of sleeping my life away.. and it isn't even my fault. Damn genetics. I mean, I need almost 11 hours of sleep to feel somewhat okay.. factor in getting to sleep at 4 a.m. and damn, I'm lucky if I'm up by 12.. I hate it. Hate.

So, as I sit here, trying to get tired, I decided to take a xanex to help me sleep. I mean, I have the prescription, I might as well use it when I need it.. I just don't want to use it too much because I don't want to depend on it.. but damn, this is ridiculous. I need to sleep.. so it should kick in in about 10-15 minutes and I'll start getting loopy and probably pass out. I really need some quality sleep, because my body is suffering something fierce from exhaustion lately.

My Saturday night off was.. less than perfect. I was excited for it, but I had to work until late Friday night, then woke up early to go to my cousins bridal shower in North Jersey, then drove from there to my parents, back to my apartment, then ran out the door to see OK GO, caught the last 3 songs, then ran out of there to get to Alayna's birthday, which was nice until Izzy and her boyfriend failed to tell me important stuff. I dated Chuck's best friend when I was 18, way before I even knew Izzy.. and we haven't seen each other in years. Then Izzy starts dating Chuck and we find out we have that link.. well, turns out Chuck's best friend, the dude I dated, his wife HATES me. I've never even MET this girl, have no idea what she even looks like, and she hates me. I guess because I'm an ex and it's by default? I have no idea. I WAS 18! Well, everyone is at Alayna's in the hot tub, playing telephone (whisper down the lane, hysterical with beer involved) and well, that's all fun and stuff. I was sitting next to people I didn't know, thats fine, it was fun.

I get inside and say in conversation to Chuck, "you need to tell his wife I don't want her husband.. it's just silly that I can't come hang out with you guys because of someone I've never even posed the slightest threat to hating me for no reason" Chuck's reply? "Well, she was sitting next to you in the hot tub, I guess she might be warming up to you."

WHAT?! SHE WAS SITTING WHERE?! What if I had brought this up IN THE HOT TUB? Why didn't they tell me who she was?! They ASSUMED I knew it was her. NO! I mean, I could have gotten myself punched in the face and wouldn't have even known why this strange girl was hitting me! I was so angry that they neglected to tell me that she was sitting RIGHT NEXT TO ME. AWESOME. Thank you guys, that is awesome. So, for the rest of that time I was miffed that they hadn't informed me that someone who HATES my guts was sitting right next to me. Lovely! At least I was nice to her.. I mean, I have no reason not to be. I thought she was lovely actually.. I hate being hated. I actually didn't even do anything to warrant this hatred this time. I'm innocent!

So in addition, Chip had brought this new chick he's dating TO Alayna's.. and I guess I'm just super protective and possessive of him because he's my best friend, but this girl, she didn't even introduce herself. I stood right in front of her, talking to them several times, and she just stared at me. Granted, I didn't introduce myself to her either, but this is how I see it.. She's dating MY best friend, she gets to kiss MY ass. So she scored super low on the first impression test.. and shame on him for not even introducing her to me. Maybe he was afraid I'd break her hand when I shook it. I do shake hands like a sumo wrestler. Girls.. no, people with weak handshakes piss me off. Weak handshakes = weak personalities. Okay, so I know that's a dumb thing to rant about, but it annoyed the crap out of me anyway.

So then I decide, I'm leaving.. so Dave decides he's riding back to the city with me.. annnd on the way home, I hit a raccoon. I saw it, hit the brakes, then when I realized it was inevitable, I hit the gas, hoping it would just make it go quick for the little guy. I just held the steering wheel with huge saucer like eyes and Dave patted me on the shoulder and said "Most girls would have crashed the car and killed us both, I'm proud of you." Thanks Dave, I think maybe that made me feel better.. I just hope it was instantaneous. That was only my second road kill. The first was an opossum on 37 on the way back from Seaside. The girl in my passenger seat cried the entire way home and begged me to go back and help it. NO. IT HAS RABIES, IT WILL EAT US. IT'S DEAD. I didn't want to take the chance of knowing it was alive, then beating myself up watching it die. It was instantaneous, I'm sticking to that.

Okay, so, the Xanex has yet to kick in and I've written quite a bit.. so I guess I should just watch some Family Guy and try to doze off. Funny, I've seen all of these episodes so many times that I have most lines memorized.. but something about the mindless nature of it helps me relax.. brings back good memories too.. oh oh, I think I just got that tingly feeling in my head.. I think it might be show time.

I was going to stop typing, but something messed up just happened..

I posted a cute pic of me and my 2 roommates on facebook with a really nice caption about how pretty and sweet they are, and some girl just commented "you're the prettiest" WHAT THE FUCK? I deleted it right away, but Ash get's notifications sent to her phone, and that doesn't even include if they get email notifications or not.. so they'll both see it, and that's just awkward for all of us. Ugh, what a bitch ass thing to say. I mean, thank you, but DAMN, what about hurting their feelings?! People are such bastards. God, I hate people. My response to her on her wall.. "Much appreciated, but I had to delete that because I don't want anyone to have hurt feelings." That girl had to be told that that was inappropriate to write. Thats the shit about facebook I hate.. you can't approve comments. WHY?! Lord knows it'd be easier for certain people to delete the comments I leave them before they showed up and got someone's panties all wedged up.. but I digress. People suck. The internet ruins everything... in fact, one of those match sites says "1 in 5 relationships starts on the internet" Yeah, well, I wanna know how many the internet DESTROYS.. because lord knows that it's fucked up both of my most meaningful relationships. It's so easy for people to be shiesty.. Sometimes I wish social networking didn't exist. I think life was a lot better without it.. but even still, I use it day to day just like most everyone I know. We're slaves to these screens.

Damn, that just kinda soured my mood a little bit more.

I need.. NEED to go to the beach this week. I am fiending for the sand and the water and the sunshine.. I just need to be outside.. I just hope I can get someone to come with me.. everyone says they'll go and then they don't. I don't believe a word anyone says anymore.. all of my friends have been disappointing the shit out of me lately. And I never hold my breath when plans are suggested by romantic interests. They almost always flake out on me too.. seems like there's always something better going on for everyone. Maybe I'll just go alone. That might be okay.

Wow, this whole entry is kinda sad and angry. Definitely not how I wanted to end my one Saturday off in 3 months. Dammit, what the hell?

In happier news, Miranda and Dianna moved into G-Love's old apartment, and Miranda tweeted at him that she got one of his magazines in the mail and he's been responding to her. That's pretty effing cool. You go Mir :)

Happy thoughts, happy thoughts.. must have happy dreams.

ready, go.

The birds and the bees.. they are wise to the lies

It's late. I'm awake. Actually, for some people, this is early.. because it's half passed 5 in the morning.

I have this issue, where I feel completely apathetic about everything.. I almost just kinda expect things to not work out, so I always just go and make other plans at this point. That's kinda sad, right? I always have a backup, because I know what I REALLY want to do isn't going to happen. So weird. Weirrrd weird weird.

Anyway, I had an impromptu photoshoot with Izzy tonight because I looked really good (for a specific reason) and then after making myself look good, immediately knew that it was gonna be all for nothing, so I called her up and she took some pics of me, and her, Andy, and I all hung out and did our thing like we do. Prior to that, had dinner with the 'rents, picked up a few things, saw my very depressed dog, and then continued with the aforementioned.

Got home about 3:30 a.m. . was standing in my room with the door open and a pretty good looking bearded dude comes down Ash's steps in his boxers.. sees me, freezes, and stutters as to why he's standing in my doorway in his underwear. While it was an awkward situation, I think it was more so for him, and more just plain funny for me. So he ran into the bathroom and I immediately texted "WIN" to Ash, not knowing she was coming down the steps. She sees me, we both hear her phone go off (my text) and she says "Is that you texting me WIN?" HAHAHAHA amazing! YES, YES IT WAS! So bearded dude comes out and sorta slinks by me repeating that it was nice to meet me, over and over as he made his way back up her steps. Priceless. That's all win right there Ash, that's all win. At least one of us is getting something in this house tonight.

So, anyway, I should get to bed.. I have to start going to bed at a normal time.. hahaha.. funny. Me, normal time, right.

Oh, and as I side note.. I am so addicted to the song "The Mission" by Puscifer featuring Milla Jovovitch.. it's like pure sex to my eardrums. I must have more.

rock, out.

Guarded in my head for you, I can't get rid of these secrets.

I had a dream the other night that there was a flood.. and it had both of my parents in it.. and at one point, I got swept apart from them, but somehow made it back over. I'm pretty sure somehow (in my head) it was related to the sinkhole that occurred in my dream. I'm finding it a little tougher to find the meaning of sinkholes, but I can kinda guess. I read the meaning about the flood part of the dream and it freaked me out how much sense it made.

Psychological Meaning: Water symbolises the emotional side of the unconscious. To dream of a flood or being swept away by water, indicates that you feel emotionally overwhelmed. These dreams also hint at baptism and rebirth. The fertile, nourishing effect of floodwater may be implied. This dream could therefore represent the start of a new phase of life and renewed personal growth.

Tell me about it. Strange how our brain puts this stuff into symbols.

In addition, I've been dreaming vividly about another issue in my life.. I guess I can't really mention a lot about it since it seems to piss people off, but it seems my subconscious is just as confused as my consciousness. Every night it seems I have a dream showing me the real facts of what's going on, and I wake up feeling terribly sad and unappreciated, and I think, damn Steph, you're trying to tell yourself something here, but you just keep battling it. I don't know.. even while I'm awake right now I'm trying to come up with ways to discredit my subconscious. Blah. I have an awesome GPA and I go to school to look at small shit under a microscope, yet somehow I am the most stubborn person ever when it comes to trying to learn life lessons. Ugh.. okay, I need to get ready for work now. 12 hour shift ahead of me.. AGGGH.

New moves.

So, I'm all moved in.

Mostly.

I just have some clothes to bring.. but now I need to organize a ton of stuff, which is no fun. My room is looking really pretty though. I need to go to Ikea and figure out what kind of little wall shelves I want. Guess that depends on whether I put a wall decal behind my bed. I have these pretty little lamps I got from there.. they're little frosted globes with white cherry blossoms all over them. It goes well with the white/minty seafoam theme of my room. I wish I had more outlets. 2 is not enough for such a big room.

Yeah, I owe the guys. Chip and his brother Matt helped move a lot of the stuff, then Dave came over and helped with the rest. Really owe them.. I'd have been screwed without them here. Speaking of which, I'm still sitting in my bed at 2:40 p.m. Ugh, I wanted to get an early start, but this is the first day I've been able to actually sleep until waking, without worry of furniture. I DO need to get back to the parents place and grab clothes and such, and handle some bullshit financial aid stuff. What a mess. SallieMae sucks. Money sucks. Loans suck. I wish I were rich.

It hasn't really sunken in yet, about moving.. I guess it will after a week or so. I missed Rush and Lola last night. They both usually sleep with me. Diesel is usually in and out, but Lola sleep right behind me on her own pillow. It bummed me out when I woke up and she didn't meow in my face when my eyes opened. They'll be here soon enough.. gotta get everyone moved in first.

Called Bradlee up a little while ago to wish him luck on the bar. Ugh, I do not envy him at all the next 3 days.. but I think he'll be able to pull it off. Somehow he always skates through things okay. I'm trying to stay positive, because I don't think he's feeling too great about it all. I don't blame him, I was the same was with my Orgo tests, and somehow came out of it. Anyway, that's gonna be on my mind a little.

Life has gone all over the damn place lately. I feel so scattered between 2 states. My job has been so so lately. I used to love it a lot, but lately the money has been kinda crappy, and the heat is really getting to me. It's hard to work outside in this kind of weather. I feel bad for landscapers and construction people.

I really should go get ready to go to Jersey, I have so much to do.. plus, there's food there. There is currently won ton soup, a slice of pizza, and cupcakes. Yeah. Not healthy.

Holy crap, a bunch of people just walked into my house.. landlord forgot to tell me the electrician, his partner, his nephew, and her Mom were gonna be coming today. Scared the shit out of me. Guess I'm staying here for a while..

Senor Cuervo, ouch.

Tonight was rough.

It started out with me taking a shower at my new place and having the shower curtain rod collapse on me. Guess the tiles don't like the tension rod.. so, that was the beginning.

I get to work, and all is well for a while.. most of the night actually.. did a bunch of shots, turned a bunch down.. and then one of my fellow bartenders got way too drunk, and everyone on my bar caught hell for it, even though the rest of us were FINE. So we all got our asses chewed out for someone else's incapacity to know their own limit. Awesome.

So I get back to my apartment to pick up my stuff before going back to Jersey (my bed isn't at the apt. yet) and I happen upon this plastic container with a bunch of stuff in it.. stuff I [thought I cleverly] hid from myself 2 years ago. Valentine's Day Card did me in. It was the most romantic thing I've read in so long.. in so few words, and I just lost it. I just bawled my eyes out without warning.. there were no sniffles, it was just an immediate Niagara Falls of tears. I don't know why we save this stuff.. is it to one day hope to look back and laugh.. or is it to look back and torture ourselves? I never knew he had the capacity to be that romantic.. especially in such few words. This was an hour ago, and my heart is still racing a little. Good thing my dog was here to wag his tail and be happy to see me when I got home, because I've been kind of a pathetic womanly mess since then. I wish I could stop feeling so bad for myself and just get the fuck over this, but for some reason, I just can't kick it. What.. the fuck. I have broken so many hearts without so much as a sideways glance backwards, yet, somehow.. I cannot kick this. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I've been informed that people apparently stalk my blog. Awesome. I didn't think anyone really knew about this. I never advertised it or anything.. I guess when people wanna find you, they really do their damnedest to find you.. either way, whatever. Hi, what's up. Enjoy the read.

So, I move in 2 days. I'm not ready.. not at all. My mind is so scattered.. I'm just not into this.. it's all working out so perfectly and smoothly for me.. but I'm just not finding myself excited about it. Actually, I'm finding that I'm more sad than anything.

This whole bipolar thing is doing me in like whoa this week.. I'm really excited about my health insurance.. now I can finally get medicine to specifically treat me, rather than just "making do" like I have been for the past 5 years. My life is changing so quickly.. and I feel like it's doing it without me, like I need to play catch up a little. Damn, I am really stressed the hell out.

Another random thought.. I need to stop breaking up with people before my birthday. It seems I always spend an asston of money for my boyfriend/whoever's birthday, and then something happens and I break up with them before my own. Someone needs to take me the hell out for my birthday.. maybe I'll just make Chip do it. Sigh. School needs to start so I can stop thinking about how lonely I am.. because I'm pathetic. Maybe I'll met a nice scientist.. or I'll fall madly in love with some hot doctor.. or.. I don't know. The greater good obviously has some sort of fucked up plan for me, so I might as well just roll with it.

I hope I don't get in more trouble for this blog.. apparently people get all bent out of shape when I write shit anymore.. thing is, I don't even know who is upset.. I just know someone hates me. Actually, I bet a lot of people hate me. That sucks. I don't like to be hated. I try to be peaceful with everyone.. but I guess you can't win them all.. especially the bitches who deserve to rot in hell. I think maybe this is the vodka talking now.. I had a bit of that tonight. More tequila than vodka, but vodka still existed somewhere in and amongst those 14 shots.

Holy shit, 14 shots.. I weight 112 pounds, why am I not obliterated?

I should go to bed now. Yeah.. here's hoping I don't get bitched at again.

Cheers, bitches.

winwinwin

Holy crap, moving is stressful. Worse yet, having a never ending sinus infection. I have this dry hack that just won't quit for like 5 days. Ugh.

Anyway, painting is going well.. livingroom and diningroom are both painted, minus the crown molding and the top trim of the livingroom (11' ceilings, short Steph). I think the hardest part of all of this is going through all of my old apartment stuff and figuring out where to put it. I didn't realize how much crap I have. It's overwhelming.. I have like 15 pots and pans alone.. and that doesn't include the 9 different sizes of frying pans! What can I say, I love to cook. My biggest issue is there isn't any closets.. and there really isn't a SPOT for any constructable closets.. although I may have just had an idea.. I'll type it here so I don't forget, so this won't make sense.

Ikea Pantry standalone, dining room, across from aquarium.

Yeah, so anyway. Moving = nuts. I need to find men to move my stuff into the window.

To be continueddddd.....

thrills and chills.

it's funny to be accused of something, and no matter how much you fight it, you just can't convince the person that you're innocent. I guess it's not really funny, but at some point you just gotta chuckle out of sheer frustration.

That brings up another thought.. why is it, that human beings are so fond of pursuing something unobtainable, yet once obtained, it's become dull? Back to my rant about the thrill of the chase.. It frustrates the shit out of me when people do it to me, yet, I do it to people all the time. I wish I knew how to stop that, because I'm going to end up really lonely.

Maybe I should take up hunting or something.. maybe I need the hunt, but if I could redirect it.. agh, I can't kill things. Shit.

I have no more tears left for certain scenarios.. at this point, it's fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.. yet, I'm at fool me like, 40 times. Sometimes I even fool myself, so I don't ever know if I'm winning or losing. This isn't about ONE specific person, no, it's the same mistakes made over and over again with several different people. I just can't seem to kick some of these terrible habits. I don't even WANT anyone right now, but all I can think of is the thrill of the hunt. How sick is that? This is SHEER boredom. Like I don't have enough to occupy my time right now, why would I wanna throw this into the mix? Why would I be dialing half the number of my most recent ex to text him that I was thinking about him, or the reoccuring ex who always wants me and then all the sudden starts dating some "elle" girl only to go and eventually get bored with her.. Sure, I care about these people, but why don't I care enough to leave them alone to find happiness? And better yet, why do some of them continue to yoyo me around and provoke my nasty hunting game?

This.. this is why I'm done dating right now. I obviously have some serious issues going on, and I need to address them real soon before I end up a very lonely woman the rest of my life.

I just wish I hadn't fucked the last one up so bad.. because I really thought I had something. When will I ever learn from these mistakes?

Maybe I should start by getting on real medication. Yay for health insurance soon. Yay indeed.